For you girl with daddy issues (me lol) I'm actually sorry if you do have this problem, and you're always welcome to talk to me.
I care about you. I only with the best for you. <3
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I was standing in the corner of the bar, holding a cup of pure vodka in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. As the cup connected to my lips and I took a sip of the strong liquor I made a disgusted face. *fuck this shit tastes awful* I thought to myself and let out a shaky sigh. My eyes scanned the room and landed on a familiar face, my eyes lingered on him for more than needed and when his eyes met mine I quickly turned away, my cheeks turned a soft shade of red in embarrassment and I made my way out of his sight. I couldn't deal with anyone right now, not after what happened at home. "god I hate this fucking hell" I mumbled under my breath and squeezed myself through the crowded place, the music was loud and almost made me want to scream at the top of my lungs. The air with thick from the large amount of people and the warmth made me sweat slightly. I made my way out of the big club and when the cold night air hit my face I felt my tense body relax, and my mind went blank. I stood there for a good minute before finding my way over to a pond with a few swans swimming around in it and I sat on the edge, slowly lowering my hand in the cold water. I let out a small sigh feeling the tension of my father's actions hit my mind with a million miles per hour, the thought about him made me want to throw or hit something, but my heart wanted to forgive him for his mistakes. I knew I shouldn't, but he's my father.. I thought to myself, and a few warm tears made their way from my tired red eyes and down my cheeks. My heart felt heavy, like it was slowly drowning and all I could do was let it drown. I couldn't save myself, I wasn't capable of it.
Suddenly i heard footsteps approaching behind me bringing me out of my own depressed mind, and when the footsteps stopped beside me, I could smell the strong masculine fragrance in my nose, and I knew it was Sam. My eyes stayed on the innocent and peaceful swans though, I had no want to express my feelings right now, and I couldn't deal with him but I didn't force him away. I wanted to, but I couldn't. Almost like I needed his presence just to escape my own. "Hey..." he spoke up after a minute of silence, his voice was low and raspy and it sent a shiver down my spine. His body lowered down beside me and when he was fully sat down beside me, his hand made its way to my knee. His touch was soft and comforting, and I didn't push him away. I forced my eyes away from the swans and I locked my eyes with his for a moment before looking away. *god damnit* i silently cursed myself for letting him see the vulnerability in my eyes, and the worst part was that he definitely saw the tear stains. "Hey are you okay?" He said his voice just above a whisper and his fingers made soothing circles on my knee in attempt to make me open up a bit. "Yeah, I'm good" I lied. I knew he didn't fall for it though, my voice told another story then my words did, and I felt horrible for lying to him. But I just couldn't talk about it right now. "It's your dad again?" He asked with a soft and gentle voice and his words made my heart stop for a second. I didn't answer him, and my silence was enough of an answer then my words ever would be. And he took my silence as a reply. "He's my father Sam...I love him.." I whispered and my heart broke a little by my own words. I knew how stupid I sounded in that moment, trying to defend a guilty man. But I truly did love him, no matter how bad he's hurt me. He was still my father after all. Sam sighed and pulled me into his arms, bringing me into his lap so I was straddling his lap. His arms made its way around my waist protectively and comforting, as his hand gently ran over my back.
"A person who doesn't love themselves can't love others, stop trying to gain a relationship with a man who barely cares about himself, because no matter what he's gone. Blood or not, you can't keep chasing a person who doesn't want to be caught. He chose his actions, he chose who he wanted to be for you and your family. And you can't change a person who doesn't see a problem in his actions. You have to let him go baby, he's not going to change, and if you keep seeing the man you want to see and not who he is, then you'll slowly kill yourself" he whispered but his voice was loud and clear and made my heart ache "you can't keep pretending he's there for you because he's not and he's never been. Stop looking for someone who doesn't want to be found. And see reality, learn the truth. And then you can go on from there. But just know you don't deserve this, you don't deserve to live in another person's problems, you deserve to be loved. I love you. And no matter what I'm not him, I'll never be him." He continued, my words completely lost and my body frozen. He kissed the top of my head softly and I buried my face in his neck seeking more comfort and he gave me it without hesitation. "You're okay, I'm here. Always" he whispered softly giving my head another kiss, and his hand was still running over my back.
