WOULD YOU RESCUE ME?

30.The Pull of the Past

Vanessa lay sprawled on her bed, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, where faint patterns of light shifted with the passing clouds outside her window. Her phone buzzed intermittently on the nightstand, the vibrations persistent, insistent, a reminder of the outside world she was trying so hard to ignore. Her friends were texting nonstop, the notifications piling up with every passing minute, each one echoing their growing concern.

Amy: "Vanessa, where are you? Dr. Bellamy's practical test starts in an hour!"

Cassy: "You've never missed a minute of his classes before. Is everything okay?"

Maya: "Please respond, Van. We're really worried about you."

Vanessa stared blankly at the messages, guilt gnawing at her. The last few days had been a whirlwind of indulgence with Giorgio and Michele, a stark contrast to her usually disciplined routine. She had pushed them away emotionally, retreating into her familiar patterns of drinking and smoking, trying to drown out the chaos that had resurfaced. Now, as reality settled back in, the consequences of her actions loomed large.

Her phone continued to buzz, but Vanessa resisted the urge to check it again. Instead, she let her mind drift back to the nights in Milan, the wild parties, the fleeting moments of joy intertwined with the shadows of her own turmoil. Those memories were both cherished and cursed—a testament to a life she both loved and loathed. In Milan, she had mastered the art of disappearing, of blending into the chaos without losing herself entirely. But here, in Dublin, with Astra by her side, those old habits threatened to resurface, pulling her back into a vortex she was desperate to escape.

Taking a deep breath, Vanessa swung her legs off the bed and stood up, her movements sluggish. She glanced around her small apartment, the remnants of her and Astra's time together scattered about—a testament to their shared moments of peace and love. Yet, beneath the surface, the tension was palpable. She knew she had to address the mess she'd created, but the thought of facing it head-on filled her with dread.

Her thoughts wandered back to Milan, to the life she used to lead. Back then, chaos wasn't something she feared; it was something she thrived in. Her days had been carefully orchestrated to maintain appearances, but her nights were wild and untethered. Vanessa was a master of keeping her secrets, of balancing the chaos without letting it spill into her carefully constructed facade. Her parents thought she was studying late. Her friends believed she needed time alone to recharge. No one knew that she was slipping out to exclusive parties, ones where the air was thick with smoke, the music pulsed like a heartbeat, and the tables gleamed with lines of powdered escape.

The thrill had been intoxicating, the allure of being untouchable. She could party until dawn, show up to class in a wrinkled dress, and ace her exams as though she'd spent the night studying. No one questioned her, and she liked it that way. She liked the control it gave her over the chaos she craved. But it was a double-edged sword, one she'd wielded expertly until it nearly cut her to pieces.

And now? Now she was slipping back into that same pattern. The thought of it both excited and terrified her. Astra had grounded her in ways she hadn't realized she needed. Loving Astra had meant embracing stability, vulnerability, and accountability, things Vanessa wasn't sure she was built for. But with Astra gone, the pull of her old life felt stronger than ever.

Her hand drifted to her phone again. Ignoring the flurry of unread messages from her friends, she opened Instagram and searched for Ben's profile. His grid was filled with polished shots from sleek venues, glimpses of an exclusive world Vanessa knew all too well. Her thumb hesitated over the screen for a moment before she tapped out a message.