"I care about nothing but I care about everything. I feel everything, but I show no emotion......I want everything and have nothing, I am just one big contradicting mess."
Unknown
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CHAPTER FIVE;
THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE-
The news – or sins, me and Collin found out yesterday, had impacted our lives like a unknown bomb. My skin was more pale, and it felt like I was slowly being circled and trapped by my own flesh, circling around and around like a snake inside of me. Looping around my body, slowly tightening and sucking all of the breath out of my nauseous body.
At least that's what it felt like.
I'd become worse, the light inside of my lighter had blown out, and evaporated into smoke. My appetite according to mum, was slowly and painfully decreasing, gradually getting worse until I couldn't bear it any longer.....
"Lara, you ok?"
I whipped my head around, disrupting my passages of thoughts.....only to encounter Lucas staring deeply into my eyes, fixating his gaze upon me. Studying me. A wave of nervousness crashed over me, making me sink into the depths of his glare.......
What was I supposed to say? Yes I'm fine Lucas - in fact, I'm over the moon. My grandma is dead and I haven't felt better in my life. What did he expect me to say? No. I'm not okay, my world has suddenly come crashing down onto me, my grandma has left and a piece of my heart has left with her.
After what probably felt like an eternity to Lucas, I plucked up enough courage and finally answered "Y-Yes I'm.....fine."
"You hesitated - you're not fine."
"Why.....why does it matter if I am or not fine? Am....am I really that important?"
"Lara - you're human. Every human being is important to me, in every way. I'm looking out for you."
"Thanks...I guess." My voice was somewhat slowly recovering from my stuttering and hesitation. I was starting to become more relaxed, relaxed around him., because it felt....good, for somebody to actually care for you. "I'm....i-in all honesty, I'm not okay. Something's happened- something tragic - and I don't know how to move on from it."
Lucas paused for some time, until he answered me with what seemed like a solution "Oh gosh. Well I hope you're okay! If....if there's anything I can do, let me know. Okay?"
He was being so nice to me. Why? What have I done to deserve his sympathy? All this sudden - caring for me, made me look at Lucas in an entirely different way than before. He was no longer a strange continent to me, no longer an alien to me. It felt as if he was quickly grabbing my attention to him, to his blonde hair, to his broad shoulders and fixed frame. I felt a sudden need of some kind of grasp. A reach, a connection to him, that I needed. A new look upon him emerged in my eyes, and I saw him not as the boy who'd always stare at me down the corridor, but the boy who'd be there for me. Care for me.
"Okay, thanks I...I will." I replied.
His oracle - like eyes moved on from me, pure blue.
He smiled, with a caring feel attached to his lips. And then moved on towards a different site.
"It.....it just feels as if - as if I've lost my innocence, you know? My whole family is weeping, and I should be the strong one. I just need some hope of reassurance. But what really gets me, is that the overall death of my grandma hasn't been the biggest impact on me, the loss and emptiness, the devoid of her presence has shaped me in so many ways possible. Now I just find myself not being able to do the things I was capable of doing in the past. Then sometimes, I care about nothing but I care about everything. I feel everything, but I show no emotion......I want everything and have nothing, I am just one big contradicting mess."
"Wow." Lucas replied. His tone seemed as if he was flabbergasted from my confession. "Can I offer you some advice Lara?"
Curiosity got the better of me this time. "Yes....go for it...please."
"Don't let anyone or anything hold you back, tell you what you can't do, or stop you from your ultimate dreams and goals. I've been through a lot of shït to get to where I am, and I'll be damned if I stop now. Make your dream possible- don't let anything drag you down."
Luacs's speech took my breath away. He...he spoke with so much manner, as if he's had experience before. Maybe...maybe he's been through what I'm going through now? Is that how he can relate and sympathise with me?
"T-Thank you, thank you so much Lucas. It is Lucas right? To think this is clearly the first time we've talked, and I already feel some kind of connection to you. I'm feeling slightly better now, as a bonus. Thank you."
"Ha, no problem, yes it is Lucas by the way."
Over the next few minutes, we talked, until I had to depart to the principal's office.........
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hey everyone!
(Anyone catch the MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE reference over there?)
Hehehehehe ;)
Im sorry that was a short chapter, I spent quite a lot of time (editing it.)
Also, sorry if you're reading this book, and the chapters are all mumbled up.
I'm editing this book VERY MUCH. And it's all a mess.
So please stick with it, and I'll try edit as much as I can to your satisfaction.
Seeya when I can!
Stay classy!
YOU ARE READING
Suicidal
Teen Fiction"Our image of love is based on books and films, basically fiction. That we accept more than to be expected. So how do we know what love is? For all we know, love could be another word for pain. " When two innocent boys come into Lara's life, they co...
