Suicidal

Chapter 23: - A filler for him

(Play the song when it says so for added effect.)

Song:   pú ert jördin ~ Ôlafur arnalds
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CHAPTER TWENTY - THREE:

A FILLER, FOR HIM  -

ONE WEEK LATER

The days had only gotten worse.

Late that night, on that very fateful and cruel evening, I'd discovered who Lucas Grimshaw really was. And a part of me, wishes that I'd never knew Lucas at all, let alone talk to him. Because all the pain he brought me was so powerful and destructive, that I became reckless and in all honesty, I didn't care if I lived or not.

You see, he completed me. 

I'd thought he was my only, my unconditional partner, I even thought there was a tight rope that brought  us together, but in the end, I guess I was terribly wrong.

In all honesty, I was terrified.

The days after the truth spilled out only got harder and harder, every single day became increasingly longer, thicker, the sunshine hardly poured in, and I was beginning to fall into a cage of sadness.

Which I believed, was inescapable.

I'd spent my days and nights in the house, drowning myself in tissues. You see, I loved that boy, so so much. And when you truly fall for someone, it's bliss, it's a special force that connects you two forever......But he had to leave. Of course he did, because in the end, eventually everyone exits the stage, and it's an undeniable question if they'd return or not.

My mother and farther became increasingly worried for me, they'd told me that Lucas was only "a boy", and that I was "better without him". But I often found myself (apart from crying), questioning their very bad reassurance. Was I better off without him? Was he only just a boy?

I never got answers.

Except from, I did. Because, when the cruel, cold words came out of his mouth I felt like my heart was about to shatter in a million pieces, like a glass vase being dropped to the floor, as if I was a brick wall, about to crumble, like I was going to collapse on myself........

"I-I never loved you Lara, I-I'm sorry."

.........But then I realised that I didn't need him anymore. I never needed him, but why did my heart ache for him? He never taught me anything about life or love, him and his paper heart. I even suppose, that the love I felt for him wasn't true. But for some reason, I still felt that fake love for him.....

I set boundaries and I built walls so that no one could reach the scattered pieces of my soul. But then Lucas came and I let him decipher me. I slowly let those boundaries vanish in hope that he would put the pieces together.....but who seemed like an angel gave me nothing more than a curse. A curse that left with no hope, and back then I was so hollow that I was even scared to look within.........

(Play the song.)

***

It was midnight, or how I see it, another day wasted of grieving and bereaving. I'd planned to study a little longer, for my upcoming exams in May. But I guess that didn't exactly work out.

It was also midnight, the time where I'd doze off and float into my dreams. And possibly reconcile.  But something was keeping me awake, and that something was a phone call.......

I searched for the bedroom light, a sign of hope in that thick darkness. It was my guidance, and it's silly really to say that an object was my succour back then. But it's what kept me going, through those harsh and unbearable mornings, those mundane and melancholic afternoons and through those empty evenings.

I found the bedroom light, and switching it on, light ignited the room. Picking up the phone, I discovered that Diana was ringing me. Why on earth was she ringing me now?

I answered.

"Diana, is...is that you? W-what are you doing? S-shouldn't you be asleep?"  The words struggled to come out from my mouth.

Her voice was soft like a pillow. "Yeah, it's me Lara. I was just checking up on you, you haven't been in school this past week, and it's weird because neither has Lucas.....Oh, and shouldn't you be asleep as well?"

I wondered to why she was ringing me at twelve though. "Fair point. I should be asleep, but lately I haven't been getting any sleep or reassurance from anyone, and perhaps that's why I haven't been in school either."

"Look., just tell me what's happened! I know something's up......between you and Lucas. I ain't no detective Lara, but I can tell something's dodgy when two lovers haven't been at school for a week." She demanded, a sense of stoic in her voice.

"Diana, Lucas hasn't been at school for a week because he's in prison. I know, shocker right? That boy was so full of lies and promises, and for the first time, I finally thought I figured him out. I finally thought that he loved me too, I thought about a lot of things, he was my everything, and now he's gone." 

Diana didn't say anything after that, it felt like she was finally understanding the immense pain that I'd felt.

"His farther beat him Diana, continuously. It's why he had stitches and scars one day, and it's why he hugged me on our bench and asked me to never leave him. His farther's beatings is the reason he accidentally killed him, Diana, in a matter of self defence." I said. The words seemed to flow easier this time, because the truth always comes out easiest.

I wish I could see Diana now, and I know that's deeply unusual to say, considering how fragile and broken our friendship was. But I needed to see her physically, and cry to her.

"Oh my good god Lara, t-that's so unexpected and so terrible. W-why but why? He was so sweet and innocent, he didn't deserve that and neither do you. I hope you're okay." She spoke, her voice speaking of sadness and sympathy.

I wanted to tell her everything, and I wanted to make her understand....everything.

"I'm doing fine." I lied. "It's just what really is the shock, is that he left me Diana....he never really loved me. He promised me that he'd stay and be with me because he couldn't stand the thought of us not being friends. I was a filler. He knew that I would be there and fall into his arms whenever he told me that he loved me. He left Diana. But at the same time, I'm glad that I doubted him and never really believed him, because lying is his second nature. I will always love him, but it just sucks because I was a filler."

"But maybe Lara....just maybe, we're all someone else's filler, someone else's identity and sofa for comfort. And maybe, that's what Lucas was doing to you,  maybe you were just his guardian angel, his reassurance. Because maybe, he is just another heartless soul."

"Thank you for that Diana, thank you."

And for once in her life, Diana was right.

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Eeeeee I'm not so sure about that ending at all........

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