Night Wolf Part 2

The Past Is The Hardest

Alistair's POV

What Lycaon said is right but the more and more of the memories of my life, the past I did everything to escape and forget. With the burn mark on the side of my stomach as a reminder, a reminder to know I survived. The memories of him, what he did to me, how he made me believe that's what love is about. Really screwed up my mind and ruined everything about myself, ruined what love really is and did everything to make me be the way I am.

Always sleeping around with any guy I come across, never a relationship in mind nor giving it a chance or a thought of. It wasn't for me, wasn't what I wanted but it was more than that, it was because of him that ruined it for me. Fearing I would be exactly like him, or find another one like him or both. Stuck in that life again after many years of me trying to believe he would change, how pathetic that was.

I went completely fine, shutting out romantic and sexual feelings towards any guy, never getting close, just having sex with any guy that I come across, not caring about what happens afterwards if they ever want more than just sex. If they ever get close, pushing them away is always I do best and make sure my reputation grows. Building my walls up, never letting anyone in, being with me only brings sadness if they try their hardest. I won't give them what they want, the love and happiness, something I have my piece of ex to thank for, ruining everything and the mindset.

However I keep thinking about... Him. Seth. Each time I try and forget about that kid, just keeping up with the flirting and nothing more, I find myself looking for an excuse to see him. Even if it's just being friends, seeing how he is, making him all flustered and know what I always do. Always being so cute whenever he gets all red and speechless, yet why do I want to give him more? Why do I want to show him another side of me, the valuable side of myself that desperately needs, want someone to be with. Someone to be called mine, yet I can't have that. I can never have something or someone so precious and innocent as Seth to claim as mine. Not to ruin him like someone like me. Someone so damaged and broken. Only knew him for a few months and there's no way I can have him, have someone like him nor him wanting someone like me.

Whenever I disappear, it's always have to be the memories of my ex resurfacing, everything he ever did to me, everything he made sure to keep me from leaving. Rourke my wolf, would do everything he can to keep me from remembering as I let him take control of myself and ran free. But the feeling will stay and I will have that life in me forever.

Having the habit of disappearing for weeks, I never stay in the city and just roam around Louisiana, something for me to get a clear head, however this time, I've been in the city for weeks since Halloween and just waited, for what exactly? That's the freaking question I've been asking myself, why did I stay in the damn city, why?

Guess it's because of Seth, there's something about him that really makes me feel some shit, he's making me lower my guard and walls that I worked years to build, but whenever I'm around him, his energy is nice and calm and safe. Yet I can't, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want him to suffer if I ever become like my ex, however the feelings are so strong, leaving that Halloween night was right yet I couldn't stay away. I kept my eye on that kid, hanging out with his friends and the different guys he went out, hoping for one that sticks out for him, hoping he gets with one and no more wanting to get with me. But deep down, I felt very possessive and hated the idea of him going on those dates with those guys, all so different and not for him. I wanted to take him away from them and make him mine and only mine. Claim him as mine but I stopped myself from doing that, he's not mine to fight, he's not mine to have a claim.

But more and more of the damn feelings came and made me feel so many things, if I could risk it all and get with Seth despite everything that happened to me. Claim him, love him? Do I really have the capacity to fully love someone that was ruined for me from the beginning? The word and feelings of love, romance, companionship, everything, it still scares the hell out of me that I want someone to love and care, to protect and cherish, in a way I didn't have, all I had was pain and sadness. A dark cloud hanging over my head.