what if we happened

30. It Feels so Weird

Chapter 30: It Feels so Weird

Seren

"Salome, gusto mo bang magkape pagkatila?" Elias finally broke the ice between us.

"Huwag na. Umuwi na tayo," walang gana kong sagot.

We were now sitting in a waiting shed. There was no one else around, just the two of us. Pinapanood ni Elias ang walang tigil na pag-ulan, samantalang ako ay pinapanood ko ang sapatos kong basang-basa pero wala akong problema sa sapatos kong 'to. I just couldn't even look at him. Tansya kong sampung minuto na kami nakaupo pareho rito, waiting for the rain to stop.

I felt Elias' gaze slowly turn at me, probably trying to figure out what was going on. "Anong uuwi? Hindi. Ayaw ko. Walang uuwi. Hindi na ako papayag," he said firmly.

I just took a long breath. I didn't say a word, so he speak again but his tone now is more soft. "Hindi iyon biro? Gusto mo na talagang umuwi?"

I simply nodded.

"Na naman?"

This time, hindi na ako tumango. I stayed quiet.

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, he continued, "Noong nakita kita sa silid-aklatan, ganyan na ganyan ang hitsura mo. Bakit kanina ka pa nakayuko na para bang ayaw mo akong tingnan?"

"Inaantok ako," tipid kong sagot.

He ignored it, obviously unconvinced. "Iniisip mo pa rin ba 'yong pagkabarog mo kanina sa scooter? Huwag kang mag-aalala, wala naman napuruhan sa ating dalawa at hindi naman nasira scooter ko. Isa pa, ang galing mo kaya magbalanse, ang bilis mong natuto."

I shrugged. "Inaantok nga lang ako."

Still, Elias don't believe me. Ilang sandali pa'y naramdaman ko mga mata niya na sinusubukang silipin ang mukha ko ngunit mabilis ko itong ipinaling sa kabila kong side. "Kita mo na? Umiiwas ka! Ayaw mo nga talaga ako tingnan!"

Mariin akong pumikit. "Umayos ka nga! Hindi nakakatawa!"

Elias didn't let it go. "Tumingin ka nga sa akin, Salome," he urged but I didn't listen. "Seryoso, tingnan mo ako," he repeated but I don't really want to. Hanggang maramdaman kong masuyo niyang hinawakan ang magkabila kong balikat upang maiharap sa kaniya but for the third time, I resist. I immediately flinched.

I just can't. No way. Bakit ba ayaw niya ako tantanan?

"Ayaw ko nga," pagmamatigas ko. I kept my head down as much as I can. Aaminin ko, kanina pa sumasakit 'yong leeg ko pero kapag hindi ko 'to ginawa, makikita niya buong mukha ko. At kapag nakita niya ang mukha ko, lalayuan na niya ako. "I'm fine, okay? Just leave it to me."

"Ganoon ba ako kapangit kaya ayaw mo akong tingnan?" he intrigued.

"Ganoon ako kapangit kaya ayaw kong tumingin sa iyo," halos bulong kong sagot, kasabay no'n ang paghina ng ulan, almost like the world was giving me a moment to open this up to him. Everything felt silence between us, although I knew his eyes didn't leave me. "I don't like my face without makeup. I just can't feel pretty without it. I don't want you to see my whole face right now because it feels ruined. So, please hayaan mo akong ganito."

Tang*nang ulan kasi na iyan! Panira ng makeup!

"Pangit?" nagtataka niyang komento. "Kailan ka ba pumangit sa paningin ko?"

I smiled bitterly. "You wouldn't understand."

He didn't know the years I spent being treated as less than—less than beautiful, less than worthy.

He didn't know that I felt invisible in high school because I was too ugly.

He will never understand the pain I gained from it.