A "fine" life

chapter 42

Alone and lonly are two very different feelings. Alone is calm peaceful. When you are alone you learn about your self you grow. You become better, stronger. Alone is a good thing a thing we all need in order to know who we are. Lonliness may seem the same but is the very opposite. It digs a pit in your heart and attacks every aspect of your mind. Everything you thought you knew about yourself changes. It breaks you down. It beats you causes you to go crazy. You start to rethink every aspect of your life it is in that way that it tears apart your life peace by peace. Stripping you of everything good, every thing hapoy, including your memories. Often times people feel lonly while they are alone and that is why they must always be connected to a person. But occasionally there is a person like me who feel the lonliness when people surround us. We feel alone and zone out but we are happy then it's when we want to be In the moment but feel left behind that we break away.
Connor and the rest of the boys sat around the living room I sat off a bit occasionly piping in their conversation. I felt lonly. It was their reunion and I was just the annoying little sister who gets in the way. I was the problem to be fixed. The burden they all has to carry. I did not want to be that, so I slipped away. Back behind the pool into the path were only sam and I would dare to go.
I walked down the dirt path past the three stumps with odd carvings on the side, away from the tree mirroring the one haunting my dreams. I branched off to the side and kept in going through the mini woods. And finnaly the trees all faded and grass grew. Large rocks where placed ruggedly along a line. Out in front was my favorite guide. A creek not very wide but powerful in every way. I followed the pouring stream watched it pour until it disapeared. I was almost there, almost. I kept walking walking in and out if crowded woods and through a dark field and then my foot hit the wood I had come to love. I was at the open dock. Out in front spread a crystal and blue lake that seemed to gave a silver gleam, perfectly mirroring the skye. I sat down my feet dangling just above the water and I breathed in and out as I lost track of all time.
It seemed I had drifted too far off my phone was constantly vibrating. Finnaly I answered, "Connor I'm fine. I just decided to go get some coffee and chill out in that park I like so much." I tried telling Connor I was okay. "No I'll be home soon just give me some time I'm fine Connor and if somehow something happens I'll call you okay?" Sometimes he's too overprotective. "Connor go relax with your friends please I'm okay" I chuckled at the end to seal the deal. And hung up. I'm fine. Biggest lie ever. But I don't have to be okay just to be able to pretend like I'm fine. I don't live a perfect life just a fine one.
I was again lost in the cycle of my thoughts. The air grew thicker and I felt a sudden chill. Something was not right. I sat still as could be waiting until I could calm down. Eventually normality was returned. I sat staring out at the water wandering if I was really missed, if I disapeared what would happen to me. The leaves swayed in the breeze and twigs snapped randomly but I was not afraid. A soft voice came louder smoothly gliding through the crisp air. "Beautiful" the voice beckoned and instantly I knew who it was. "Yes Sam it is." I turned around to face sam my eyes fixed on him he figeted some looking a hit confused. "Ye-as the lake it's very nice." He slightly stuttered. I turned back around simply not impressed and too tired to care what he thought. But I was not just tired physicaly but mentally as well. "Why did you leave?" Sam's eyes gleamed with understanding and for a moment I almost told him everything but that would be too simple. "Needed some air." I spoke fluently I'm a calming tone to ease my sarcastic mood. I wanted all but to be left alone, yet I was closing up. "Angel?" Sam called to me begging for me to open up. I looked at him and something clicked as if instantly he understood. He just sat there. And then without words he hugged me and I lay there, face buried in his chest slightly sobning. He just comforted me told me I was okay and hugged me with a kind.of passion one person does not forget. And as I looked him in the eyes I saw the same look in see in the mirror after every time I run into Jc.