A "fine" life

Chapter 21

I woke up to a blotchy faced Connor, clutching a letter. I wandered where that letter came from. I sat up. I wasn't on the couch I was in my bed. And Connor was on the couch in my room. I laid back down and pretended to be asleep. Connor continually read out loud a poem. But not just any poem. My poem from Jc! If he reads that what will he think? I sat back up as he recited the first lines. " you binge... " he said his voice cracking. " you purge" I continued.

He looked up at me. He walked over to me and have me a huge hug. " Connor it's ok! " I giggled. He looked distressed although i was supper scared of what will happen to me I needed him to think I was fine. " Angel it's not ok! You are torturing yourself and you think this is ok!? " he huffed clearly mad " You starve yourself! Your force yourself to barf! You CUT your skin! Why? Why in the world would you want this? Is it for attention? Or to be noticed? If it is that's SICK! You know that I love you and this Jc guy does too! Isn't that all you need? " he began to cry.

" I didn't want you to know I do this." I said keeping keeping my calm. "WHY?" He screamed. I lost it!

" YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? Huh? Ok then. IM FAT! EVERYONE SAYS SO! I'm so fat and un athletic and you and your family are skinny and athletic. I GET MADE FUN OF. NO ONE LIKED ME WHERE I WAS. EXCEPT FOR JC AND GRAMMY AND I WAS DITCHED BY BOTH! Everyone thought I was a fat looser and a nerd. SO I STARVE MY SELF AND BECAME BULIMIC! I have trust issues because of friends and family. I HATE BEING AROUND A LOT OF PEOPLE BECAUSE SOMEONE ALWAYS NOTICE AND POINTS OUT MY SCARS. AND YOU THINK THIS IS FOR ATTENTION? No no one likes me and I want to die. I left my blades back at Grammys house, I thought I could be happy but I can't. Ok people hate me and I hate myself. Jc doesn't love me. He barely ever talks to me! He abandoned me sophomore year. He was my first boyfriend and my only friend. He only cares when something big happens. And how can you love me you just met me! Love is way to strong to be tossing around. Love deserves meaning! " I ranted on and on by the time I was done Connor was hugging me tight crying and saying I'm sorry!

We cried and talked " I think we could be really close if we spend more time together " Connor said cheerily! " yeah I think so too! We just don't know much about each other other than the parts in life that make me want to end my life. " I said. " well here's ten thins about me

1. I love to do artsy things

2. I have a YouTube channel that has quite a few subscribers

3. I like cats

4. I like coffee

5. I'm a junior right now

6. I like to have deep conversations about silly things

7. I swear every once in a while

8. I want to move to L.A.

9. I love to swim & run

10. Love is a strong word always strong enough to use on family! " Connor said!

" Alright here's ten things about me

1. I love to sing but am really insecure about it and I know I'm just average

2. Writing is my passion

3. I've always wanted to be famous

4. COFEE

5. I'm a natural Burnett with naturally wavy hair ( I dyed it blonde )

6. I like to be practical

7. Family loving each other

is new to me

8. I NEVER SWEAR

9. I'm Christian

10. Love is a strong word and I don't really know what love is! " I said kind of happily!

" I understand you. You are so happy with things that make me sad! " Connor said with a clearly

Confused face.

" Do you want the truth? the only possible thing that explains why I'm happy when I should be sad! " I spoke with a soft tone so that he knew this was serious.

" Sure " he replied " I've faked happy for so long that I have forgotten how show what I really feel " I said calmly excepting that it's too hard to change. Connor nodded he hugged me and left the room.

As soon as he left I laid back on my bed. I looked at the ceiling to think. My thoughts are like poison. Slowly deteriorating what's left of me the real me. I want my old hair back! I want my old life back just with Connor in it. I want Jc back. Jc he did write me a letter maybe just maybe he does love me. I faced timed him. Surprisingly he answered!

" Angel you look awful how you holding up? " Jc said kind of overly protective. " Nice to see you too! " I said. " Oh yeah you can stop being protective of me I just need a friend. " I said calmly. " K. " Jc replied. Then I heard The door open. I looked up to see a very happy Connor with an envelope in his hand and I box of pizza. " Connor meet my only friend Jc, Jc meet my brother Connor." i said pointing the phone at Connor. " They greeted and then Jc hung up.

" You need to eat we need to bond. " Connor said stuffing a slice of pepperoni pizza in his mouth. " I'm not hungry " i lied right through my teeth. " One slice at least!" Connor didn't seem like he wanted to argue so I gave in. Binge time?

We talked and ate then I excused myself to the bathroom planning to purge. Connor caught my hand. " No purging " he said then he told me if i needed to pee he'd have to nek sure I wasn't purging so basically be in the bathroom with me he closed his eyes. It's kind of sweet how protective he is but I need privacy too.

After I finished up in the bathroom I looked at Connor. He smiled. maybe he can fix my broken pieces. Maybe I'm not broken?

I hugged Connor said thanks and just as he was about to leave he handed me an envelope. He told me to open in the morning when he can see my reaction. That's kind of WEIRD! Oh well. Connor loves me. I think what exactly is love.