I Want You All To Myself

Seven

Josh's POV 

"Hayles... I fucked up." Here came the dreaded moment. I'd known she would eventually ask about the past years of my life, but I hadn't taken time to think about what I would tell her. I had avoided the thought. And how I wished I hadn't. But it was too late now. 

Hayley took a seat on my bed and I sat on my desk chair, squeezing my sweaty hands between my knees. "What happened, Josh?" she asked wearily. Her voice was soft, but her eyes urged me to say something. 

Well, I figured I should probably do that. But I couldn't just blurt it out. Oh yeah, well ya know, just did some heroin and all that. Haha. Nope. I needed a fucking speech.  

Hayley stared at me expectantly, her face slowly filling with annoyance in front of my silence. "I, uh..." Oh fuck it, it wasn't like she was gonna eat me. "I just got out of rehab a few weeks ago." That's right Josh, start with the end. Start with the good news. 

A second ticked by and then Hayley gasped and clasped her hands over her mouth in horror. "You were in REHAB!? What for?" 

"Uh... jellybean overdose?" She frowned. I chuckled nervously. Shit. Out of all the drugs in the world, I had seriously picked the worst one. I cleared my throat and looked down. "Um, heroin," I muttered, giving my voice a casual tone to make it sound less devastating. I pursed my lips and waited for a reaction. 

But nothing happened. What, hadn't I spoken loud enough? I looked up at her in confusion, and that's when I noticed the soft tears slipping from her now swollen eyes. Oh fuck. Not this. Anything but this. 

"Hayles..." 

"Josh," she cut off harshly, "how could you?!"  

Her question didn't make much sense to me at first. How could I WHAT? I wasn't a psychotic serial killer. What I had done wasn't a crime. It wasn't entirely WRONG... right? 

I shook the obsessive question away. I could philosophise later. Right now I needed an answer for Hayley. But what could I possibly say? "Look, can we just talk about something else, please?" 

"No!" The hardness of her tone took me by surprise and I felt myself stiffen. "We are NOT changing the subject," she continued. "This is serious, Josh. I wanna talk about it." 

Oh, come on! I had talked about it enough! I had thought about it long enough and lost enough sleep over it. All I fucking wanted was to move on. I was done. It was over. "There's nothing to talk about. It's over, Hayles." 

"Are you sure?" She eyed me challengingly.  

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I'm-" Dammit. Now I was starting to doubt again. Was I really sure? Was it REALLY over? The craving had returned several times after I'd left rehab-I mean re-HELL-but it was nothing. Just a shadow. A reminiscence. "Of course I'm sure," I repeated in a softer but still firm tone.  

She sniffled and stared at her pink and green socks. "I can't believe it. Hadn't you been through enough... CRAP before? With all those disorders a-and... all that? D-Did you really have to... mess up even more?" She was sobbing again. I felt my stomach twist with shame. She was right, I HAD been through enough, I hadn't needed heroin to fuck everything up even more. 

But I knew deep down that it wasn't like that. Heroin hadn't been an additional problem at first, it had been a remedy. I had fallen into its grip BECAUSE of my former problems, because it made everything seem better. Of course, it had gotten out of hand quickly enough, but I still had a point. Heroin had been my friend for a while. My only friend.  

And I knew Hayley wouldn't understand. The last thing I wanted was for her to be able to understand that. She was happy and I was happy for her, I didn't have to burden her with my horror stories.  

I stood up from my chair and sat next to her on the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders awkwardly, waiting for her to stop crying. I wasn't exactly sure what I should do next. I knew what I WANTED to do, but I figured it was better to ignore those thoughts.  

"I... I'm sorry, Hayles," I whispered uncomfortably. I wasn't quite certain of the extent of my sorrow, but everything else I considered saying just sounded stupid and fake. Probably because it WAS stupid and fake.  

Without a word, Hayley turned to me abruptly and gave me a long warm hug. Well, that was nice.  

"I'm just glad you're better now," she muttered against my shoulder. "I love you, Josh." 

Woah. 

Well.  

That was... MORE than nice.  

Hayley pulled away the teensiest bit. She looked up at me and smiled before wrapping her arms around me again. But this time it was different. Slower. Softer. I felt my heart beat faster as she stretched her neck to lay a kiss on my jaw. I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers, and the whole world disappeared. 

It was like Freshman year all over again. But different. So much sweeter, and so much better... Our tongues tangled like old friends meeting again. My heart was pounding in my ears. I could feel Hayley's grip on my hair while my hands travelled from her waist to her face and down her back again. Without breaking the kiss, she leaned on me and pushed me down on the bed, sitting on top of me.  

God, this was perfect. But I wanted to try something new. I broke the kiss and brushed my lips over her jaw until I reached her neck. She moaned as I kissed her softly, my hands pulling hesitantly on her tank top. I wanted to tug it off so bad, but I was scared of what would happen next. What if I went too far? What if she suddenly changed her mind?  

So instead I gripped her waist and rolled over so that I was on top of her and we weren't on the edge of the tiny bed anymore. Careful as to not lay too much weight on her, I leaned in and locked her lips between mine again, smiling slightly. This was good enough. 

Hayley's POV 

This was so wrong. 

But it was so beautiful. I felt unbelievably happy, euphoric even. I had missed this so much. It was a taste of what I had lost three years ago, but it was also a taste of something new, something I'd never felt before.  

Josh broke the kiss again to place his mouth near my ear, laying a gentle kiss on my cheek on the way. "I love you too, Hayles," he whispered softly. God, he was so good at this. My stomach just about burst with butterflies as the kiss resumed, our lips and tongues meeting yet again.  

Why was this so perfect when it was so wrong?  

No, that was silly. There was nothing wrong about this. How could it possibly be wrong? It was perfect. It was perfectly right. 

But then again... Ugh. Wow. It was getting so hot in here. Too many clothes, had to get rid of them... 

Jack. 

I gasped and before I could stop myself, my arms were already on Josh's chest, pushing him away almost brutally. I had never gone this far before. And I would've if there wasn't another name spinning through my head, burning me with guilt. Jack.  

Jack, who had been there for me when no one else was, who had caught me when I'd had my worse fall. Jack, who'd always been so patient with me, so sweet and understanding. Jack, my best friend. My boyfriend. How could I do this to him? 

Josh stared at me, a mix of bewilderment, confusion and pain playing on his face.  

"I'm sorry," I said breathlessly, unable to meet his eye. I tried sitting up and he quickly moved over, letting me escape from under him. As soon as I was back on my feet, I turned to him again, feeling a knot building up in my throat. His eyes were full of questions. Painful questions. WHY? "I have... someone else," I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "You know that." 

He understood then. He knew who my boyfriend was. I had told him. There was no more confusion in his expression. Just disappointment and grief, both slowly replaced by anger. "I get it," was all he said. He clenched his fists, staring intently at the wall behind me. He looked so tense now that I was almost scared he would strangle me. No, I was more scared for Jack. But Jack was far away now, and soon so would I be. Far away from both of them.  

"I guess I'll go now..." I muttered quickly before walking out the door as fast as I could. It wasn't so late and the car ride to Josh's house had been short. I would find my way back to my tour bus. Alone.