I Want You All To Myself

Twelve

Josh's POV 

I watched her walk away until she became a tiny figure and disappeared into the blinding light of the bus's headlights. Even then, I continued to watch her. She hadn't looked behind her, not once, and I was glad she hadn't. I didn't want to see the pain in her eyes, the pain I had caused her.  

I drove back home slowly. I didn't care that all the other cars passed me; I had too much on my mind and I was too exhausted to drive fast. Better safe than sorry.  

Thankfully, once I reached the tranquil roads of my neighbourhood, all the traffic vanished-which was rather normal at three in the morning. I was free to drive as slowly as I wanted without anyone honking at me. 

Why did it have to be so hard? Why was I always forced to say goodbye to her, over and over again? Why did she keep coming BACK? Normal people didn't have to live with such horribly complicated relationships, right? So why ME?  

"What do you want from me?" I asked out loud though I was alone. I wasn't exactly sure who I was talking to-God, or fate, or myself-but I had never needed an answer so drastically before. "What have I done?! Why do you hate me so fucking much?!" I felt the rage fill me up like lava in a volcano, ready to explode. I just needed to blame someone, anyone, for all the shit going on in my stupid life. And of course, the guilt always bounced back to me. 

I could only recall one time when I had felt this lost, and that day I had almost died-I had WANTED to die; surviving had been just another failure. But this time I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. The only thing I truly needed was the one thing I couldn't have, no matter how hard I fought for it.  

I realised then how terrified I was that she might not care. What if I didn't really mean anything to her? What if she was happy with Jack and she loved her life and she didn't need me like I needed her? What if... 

Suddenly, a loud noise pulled me out of my thoughts-another one of those annoying honks. My eyes focused again and I saw two painfully bright lights closing in on me. It didn't take me long to understand what was going on. Shit.  

I almost felt like it was happening in slow motion-the lights blinding me as they grew, the noise perpetuating indefinitely... I hit the brakes in a wave of panic, but it was too late.  

I barely felt the impact. It was as if all the adrenaline flowing through my veins made me immune to anything but panic-even that everlasting pain at the back of my mind seemed to dim in that second. I clearly saw the hood of the other car begin to crumple as the headlight on that side shattered to pieces. And then my eyes squeezed shut on their own while an invisible force pulled me forward violently.  

It would be impossible to describe what went through my head at that moment. Every feeling in the world crossed me, but at the same time, I felt blank. And through all that, it didn't even occur to me that I was about to die. 

I was millimetres away from flying through the windshield when another mysterious force suddenly put an end to the first one, pulling me back against the seat and knocking every bit of air out of my lungs. My head hit the top of the seat with just as much strength-it felt like falling on a brick-and that's when I finally opened my eyes in horror and understanding.  

Whoa. 

"Fuck." 

Thank god I was smart enough to put my seatbelt on or I probably wouldn't have been alive enough to say that ever again. Or do anything else for that matter.  

I saw the driver of the other car-a man in his forties-step out of his ruined vehicle angrily, wiping some inexistent dust off his clothes. I looked around, trying to figure out what had happened. We were in the middle of a three-way junction, and I had been about to turn left-unconsciously, of course-when he'd suddenly appeared out of nowhere right in front of me, without stopping...  

Obviously, since I was the one with the stop sign-which I had unwillingly ignored. Oops. Well, now he would probably sue me or something. And my mom would kill me. Slowly.  

I stepped out of my own car-ahem, my mother's car-shakily, biting my lip. I felt the man's disapproving glare on me and avoided looking back at him. After all, I was just a reckless teenager with no licence. And it WAS three in the morning. 

I studied the damage with something like relief as I realised it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. Sure, both cars now looked like pugs-because they were all flattened... haha... get it?-but they could still function. As far as I could tell. 

After all, I had been going like twenty kilometres per hour. 

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, young man? Do you realise the importance of this? Do you?" 

Eesh, why did it have to be some grumpy old schmuck?  

"I-I'm sorry. I'll pay you for the damage if-" 

He cut me off with a deep laugh that reminded me of Santa Claus. "That won't be necessary. But I'm gonna have to call your parents..." 

"No! You really don't have to do that." 

He raised his eyebrows condescendingly. "Oh yes, I do." He then took out his phone from his back pocket and asked, "Now, what's their phone number?" 

Ok Josh. You have two options. Give him the number and suffer endless hours of torture, or make a run for it, get caught by cops, spend a night in jail and then suffer endless hours of torture.  

I sighed in defeat. "604..." I started, staring angrily at the ground. 

Hayley's POV 

As soon as I stepped on the bus, I was greeted by three worried faces, all staring at me while a different expression started forming on each of them. Zac looked very surprised to see me while Jeremy had his usual sympathetic expression. Josh-ugh, just thinking the name made me sick with sadness-took a step forward angrily, pointing me accusingly. "Where the fuck where you!?" 

"Hey, cool it," Jeremy ordered. He walked passed Josh and put a comforting arm around my shoulders. "There, there... It's alright." That's when I realised I was still crying. How embarrassing.  

I quickly wiped the tears off and stepped away from Jeremy, making my way toward the bunks at the back of the bus.  

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly. 

"I don't wanna talk about it!" I snapped louder than I intended. I climbed into my bunk and pulled the curtain abruptly. Then, I unclenched my fists and looked down at the paper swan that I was still holding. It was crumpled, crushed by my fist, distorted by my anger.  

I straightened it as well as I could and laid it down on the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of it. We just stared at each other for a few minutes while I pretended it was alive and, even though it couldn't talk, it could understand me. I couldn't help but smile as I noticed all the little imperfections-one wing being shorter than the other, the folds being all crooked or too loose-all the things that reminded me of who had made it. "I'm sorry, Francis," I whispered. "I'm sorry I took you away from daddy." 

"Who are you taking to?" I jumped and turned around just as someone pulled the curtain a little to peek inside the bunk. 

"Seriously Josh, have you never heard of privacy?" 

He sighed and looked down. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to apologize for... before." 

Aw... Well, this was my chance to make peace with him once and for all. "It's ok, Josh. I'm not angry at you." And strangely enough, I suddenly felt like he wasn't the only Josh I was addressing in that moment. "You didn't hurt me."  

Too bad the other one couldn't hear me.