I Want You All To Myself

Fourteen

Josh's POV 

My parents had removed the lock from my door after all the 'incidents' I had gotten myself into, so I pushed the dresser in front of it to keep anyone from entering my room. Just the effort made some of my anger evaporate, enough to allow me to think again.  

But my thoughts were terrifying. The same redundant cries nobody seemed to hear. You're pathetic, Josh. You're stupid. You're worthless. You're a waste of everyone's time. All you ever did amounted to nothing good, and usually you just end up ruining everybody's lives. It was just painful. And nobody cared. 

Nobody cared. 

As if on cue, a strange tingle started forming at the bottom of my stomach. Oh no. Not this. Not now. The tingle turned to a painful scratching as it climbed to my head, making it throb madly. Then, it descended back into my stomach, sending cold shivers down my spine and making me feel nauseous. I sat on the floor shakily and placed my head between my knees, waiting for it to stop. It would go away soon. It always did.  

But this time, it didn't. Why was it taking so long? My head was about to explode and I just wanted to throw up-but since I couldn't move and I wasn't about to do that right there on the floor, I just held it back. This was worse than usual. It was so much stronger. Was that because of my stupid feelings? Because I was so much more upset now than I usually was? 

"It's all in your head. It's all in your head." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the word floating through my head, the only solution, the only thing I could hold on to. H- 

It would solve everything. The physical nightmare I was going through in that moment as well as the psychological one that seemed to hang upon me forever. It was so easy...  

But no. I didn't want to go back to that. Even though... was it really much worse than what I was going through right now? I didn't really have much to lose.  

I tried hard to ignore the memory that started creeping its way back to me then. I really did. But I did remember it, and in that moment I felt almost happy about it. A long time ago, I had hidden something under a floorboard, like in the movies. It was like a first aid kit, with just enough things for one hit.  

One. Little. Emergency. Hit. 

I had actually forgotten about it over time-probably since I had been high as fuck when I'd come up with that dumb 'first aid hit' idea. But now, for some reason, it had come back to me. Like it WANTED me to fall for it. Well maybe I would. Fuck it. 

I crawled to the corner of my room where the loose floorboard was and dug my nails into the cracks, tugging at it to pull it out. It didn't help that my hand felt like a damp paper towel and that I could barely open my eyes without having the whole world spin around me.  

The stubborn piece of wood finally gave up and I managed to grip it between my weak, shaky fingers and throw it aside. And there it was. Like an old hidden treasure.  

It surprised me that my mom hadn't found this during her thorough search of my room after she'd found out about my addiction. I guess she hadn't watched enough spy movies.  

I took a deep breath to try and calm down-this was a delicate operation-and picked up the four dusty objects that I placed on the floor in front of me. Damn, I had done this so many times. I felt a twinge of nostalgia just looking at them.  

I opened the little plastic bag and tried to carefully pour the brown powder onto the tiny square of tinfoil, but my hands were shaking so hard I spilled most of it on the floor. Oh well. I wouldn't need it again. I placed the plastic tube between my lips, biting on it hard so I wouldn't drop it, and picked up the lighter. It took five or six tries before I managed to light a flame. I held it under the foil and watched the brown powder slowly start to turn to smoke as it heated up. Soon, the smoke was thick, rising to the ceiling in an almost straight line. 

All I had to do was breathe in. 

Shit. Here goes nothing. 

Hayley's POV 

My mom drove us home while I told her everything about my encounter with Josh, doing my best to control my stupid sobs. She sighed heavily once in a while, but she didn't say anything. By the time I was done, we were almost home. 

She waited until the car was parked and the engine was off before looking at me. Then, she took my hand and squeezed it gently. "You know you're going to have to tell Jack, right?" I nodded curtly. "Well... you should probably know that he's waiting for you in the house." As soon as she said it, I started panicking. My heart rate went up through the roof in a second while my palms got sweaty and my breathing got shallow.  

Jack was in the house. Waiting for me. I would have to face him in less. Than. A. Minute. 

"Calm down, now! It's gonna be okay!" my mother urged, grabbing my face between her hands and looking straight at me. "You listen to me, now. What you did was wrong, but if Josh means more to you than the guy you call your boyfriend..." She sighed and leaned back in her chair, letting go of me. "... then there's a good chance he's the right one. For now. Now, I know I didn't pick the right one, and that was because I was too scared to ruin what I already had with your father. I rushed it. Unfortunately, it never got better. You know what happened." She paused and set her gaze on me again. "I don't want you making the same mistake."  

My parents had divorced when I was little, for a reason I couldn't imagine. I loved my dad-he was sweet, smart, hard-working. But my mother didn't. Maybe... maybe she was still looking for her Josh, but had never found him. Maybe she hadn't looked long enough. 

Had I looked long enough? I was smart enough to know that most teenage relationships were ephemeral, but what if I was an exception? After all, what more could I possibly want than Josh? And if I still wanted him after three years of zero contact between us... Maybe he really WAS the right one. 

What had my mom meant by "I don't want you making the same mistake"? What mistake? Going for the first choice? Not following your heart? 

I shook my head in confusion. "I don't wanna lose Jack. What if he's the right one? What if the right one is someone I haven't even met yet?" 

My mother pondered that for a second, and then she said, "The right one is the one you can't live without. Only time will tell you which one that is." 

But somehow, I already knew. Time had already told me. A strange peace filled me as I realised that for what seemed like the hundredth time. Of course it was Josh. I had always been him. 

"Now, go!" my mom said, motioning me to leave with her hands. "I'll go get your bag." She smiled encouragingly. "You can do it. Just give him a chance." 

"Thanks, mom." I smiled back at her and stepped out of the car, ready to face my best friend. I walked up to the front door and found it unlocked. As soon as I walked it, I was greeted by Jack's huge, heartwarming smile. He looked so adorable with his weird half-brown, half-blonde hair and his red "Wholesome Cheerios" t-shirt. He looked happier than ever to see me again. 

Suddenly, I didn't feel so confident about breaking his heart anymore.