I Want You All To Myself

Eleven

Josh's POV 

When I opened my eyes, all I saw was darkness. That wasn't unusual, since I often woke up in the middle of the night for no reason. But there was still something odd about the situation. For instance, it was extremely hot, and my right arm was pinned down by... 

Oh. 

Ohhh... Everything started making sense as the evening-with all its, uh, happenings-came back to me and I got used to the idea that I wasn't alone. Just that thought comforted me so much that I felt like I could fall back asleep right then and there, but just as I was starting to slip into unconsciousness, Hayley let out a heavy sigh and started to roll over. Wow, wicked timing.  

"Hayles?" I muttered, wincing at the sound of my crappy sleepy voice. She opened her eyes with a start. Oops, had I woken her up? "You're squashing my arm," I continued. For some reason, that made me laugh.  

Hayley didn't seem to think it was funny though. In fact, she was so confused that she looked up at me, and you know what she said?  

"Jack?"  

Jack. JACK.  

With that one little word, the huge weight of the painful reality came crushing me yet again. Ow, ow, OW.  

She wasn't mine. And she never would be. Fuck. 

I suddenly felt like a complete intruder. What the hell was I doing here with her? I pulled my arm from under her clumsily, moving away the farthest I could without falling off the bed-which meant not too far. She finally seemed to come back to reality then, staring at me with wide eyes. "Josh..." 

Yep. It's Josh, that stupid freak ruining your life. Not your dear boyfriend. 

"Oh god, I'm so sorry..."  

Why? Why are you always sorry, goddammit!? I felt the disgust boil up inside me and turn to anger. Anger and sickness and misery. All I wanted to do was scream-at her, at everything. But I kept my mouth shut, held back by some kind of force. Maybe it was love. Or the need to stay in control of myself because if I knew that if I let go I wouldn't be able to stop. Or maybe I was just really tired. 

Hayley sighed deeply. "What time is it?" I pointed the alarm clock next to me head, trying as hard as I could to keep a neutral expression, even though she probably couldn't even make it out in the dark. "OH MY IT'S 2 AM ALREADY!?" she yelled. 

I covered her mouth with my hand urgently. "Shhhh! You wanna wake up the whole neighbourhood? And yes, of course it 2 AM, we were sleeping!" I felt a knot form up in my stomach as I thought of how we'd fallen asleep, of what we'd done BEFORE falling asleep... My breath came in shallow gasps and my palms got sweaty. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath in a hopeless attempt to calm down. 

Hayley stared at me for a second before jumping out of the bed. She probably hadn't noticed my nervousness, but then again she might've guessed it pretty easily. When I looked at her, she was hastily throwing her clothes back on with brisk but clumsy motions, as if she was panicking. 

"What are you doing?" I asked without moving.  

"Getting dressed!" she snapped. 

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I noticed that. But why are you getting dressed now?" I felt a twinge of guilt as I realised that she probably hated me for what I had done to her. Forcing her to cheat on her boyfriend like that, and to that extent, when she actually LOVED her boyfriend... I was a fucking monster. Of course she wanted to escape from me. 

"Because..." She hesitated as if she was scared her answer would hurt me. Had I been right then? Did she really hate me? "Because my bus was supposed to leave two hours ago."