I Want You All To Myself

Eight

Josh's POV 

Fuck. 

Why didn't anything ever go RIGHT? What was fucking wrong with me!?  

I heard Hayley shut the front door upstairs. That's it, leave. Fuck off. I felt as if she'd ripped that stupid front door off the hinges and hit me with it. I just wanted to hit her back. 

I squeezed my eyes shut. Of course I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt her. Ever. I guess it wasn't mutual.  

But Jack... Giving HIS face a bloody makeover wouldn't have given me nightmares. I despised every little bit of that asshole's existence. I just wanted to strangle him until... 

Ugh. What the hell. This was so stupid. I wasn't going to strangle anybody, except maybe myself. This wasn't Jack's fault. He hadn't done anything wrong. And it wasn't Hayley's fault either. I had convinced her to come over. I had started all this shit. I had MADE her cheat on her fucking boyfriend. I was the other guy. 

I was always the other guy. 

All my anger evaporated then, leaving me empty. I unclenched my muscles one by one and let myself fall back on the bed like a dead leaf. My life was a sad, pointless piece of shit. I would have to face that one day. Nothing would ever go right. I didn't even know why I tried anymore. Maybe because every time I'd given up I'd failed. Everything I ever did failed. I failed at failing.  

I felt so lost. There was nothing I could hold on to. Every time I had found a way to fill up the hole burning through me, they'd taken it away. They took everything away because it was "bad for me," but they didn't put anything else back in. And then they wondered why I was always getting into trouble. Maybe because trouble was the only thing I still had? Ever thought of that?  

Like I always did, I thought back on the times when I used to have Hayley, almost three years earlier. It had been short, but it had been the best time of my life. She had filled up the hole with pure joy, HEALTHY joy, but when she'd left my life she'd taken a part of me with her. The good part.  

She had left me all alone for years. Of course, I had Matt, but Matt just couldn't handle me. It wasn't his fault. I was just too much shit for him. It was Hayley that I had truly needed, but Hayley wasn't there. 

And now all of a sudden, she had reappeared out of nowhere. Shining on that stage like the sun, like a demon trying to charm me... At first it had felt like a miracle, like the best day of my life. But then... It was all just a trap. And I fell for it. Hard.  

In the end, I had to face the facts. I would never have her back. I would never have what I'd had in high school. It was just too late for that. I had to suck it up.  

I would never have anything.  

Suddenly, there was a light knock on my door. Great. Maybe if I stayed silent whoever was out there would go away.  

The knock came back again. "Josh?" Oh no. Not her.  

Sara was a rather insistent person, and I knew that if I didn't do anything she would most likely burst into my room uninvited. "Go away!" I shouted. Well, with the way my voice sounded, I knew it would have the opposite effect.  

The door opened then and I rolled over to hide my face. "What's wrong, Josh?" 

I groaned. "Can you not comprehend the meaning of 'go away'? Do you want a demonstration?" 

"Oh, I already got one." He voice was closer now. Shit. "I think the girl who just stormed out of the house was a pretty good demonstration." 

Shit, shit, shit. She had no idea what she was talking about. God, this was the last thing I needed. "Leave... me... alone," I muttered through clenched teeth.