I'm not sorry

17

Henry

Tears stream down my face as I get into the car shaan called for me

I told him I couldn't come out

I told him I don't say so- I told him he couldn't fall in love with me

I told him and told him

He wouldn't listen to me either way

The driver takes me to a hotel close by the white house, I get a regular room since it was last minute

I instantly call bea

"Hello?" I hear my sisters warm voice "b-Bea I fucked up" I sob into the phone and I can hear her sigh "what happened?" I close my eyes and let the tears stream down my face

"I told him too much I-i um got to close. I ruined it all- I fuck bea I'm so scared please help me" I hear her scoff "Henry I cant help you and you know that. No one can help you but yourself. You've pushed everyone away your whole life- you need to fix this on your own"

My silent cry is all she hears from the other line

"Henry I love you but I don't know how to help you, I've got to go now. Bye hen"

She hangs up on me

I glance out the window and see the streets of the city of Washington. It's dim but still crowded with homeless people and stray animals

Everything was normal until I see two men hand in hand

They're laughing and talking as if they're a heterosexual couple

They walk past a group of men, they nod at each other as they enter a gay bar that is right across my hotel. They all exist together. No one's scared of their grandfather hating them for being gay, they all accept each other and love each other

The club is flashing with red and blue lights

There's a bouncer letting people in, a sign above him that has a rainbow pony on it

Men go in and out

Some women

How would they possibly be able to go there and feel no shame? No worries

No second thoughts

No guilt of being who they are

I glance at the black hoodie next to me, alongside sunglasses and a hat. That's when the idea comes to me

I throw on the items and walk out of my hotel room keeping my head down the whole time.

Soon I'm infront of the club

Shaking, uncontrollably shaking

"First time?" I turn around to see a pale skinned man with ginger hair "I-um I" he smiles "what's with the creep costume?" It then clicks to me that I probably look like a wanker in this outfit

I clear my throat and give my best America accent "no bro I just don't want my girl finding out I'm here" he laughs "okay 'bro'" he puts his hand on my shoulder "come on"

I look at him through my dark shades and sigh "yeah, ok" I follow his lead and we walk in

It's loud, bright and most of all gay

"Come on let's get a drink" we walk past the almost naked men and the lustful watchers and reach the bar "I'll take a rum and coke" he says to the bartender "and for your friend?" I look up "same for me thanks"

He gives us the drinks and smiles "enjoy"

The male who brought me in looks at me "so, what's your name?" I sigh "um.. Matt" he glares at me "so you're faking an accent and your identity." My jaw drops slightly

"Wow nothing gets by you hm?" He shakes his head "I'm Ian, I'm from Chicago and I moved here about a year ago after a breakup with my boyfriend. I come from a toxic messy family and a train of mental health issues. So hit me" I shake my head "I just can't say anything" he shrugs "who am I gonna tell?"

I process his words for a moment

"I just can't be who I want to be" I let my accent out and take off my glasses. "You're very attractive" he compliments and I shake my head "thanks" he sips his drink and stares at me intensely

"So why can't you be a fag?" His words shock me "sorry, that's how we talk where I'm from" I sigh "I'm just not used to someone being so blunt about my- I never mind." He nods

"So you're closeted?" I nod "for the most part yes" he cocks his eyebrow

"Who knows?" I bite my lip and think "my sister, grandfather and Alex" he smirks

"You hesitated when mentioning Alex"

"I hit a nerve" I shake my head "Alex was a guy that was difficult? He never knows when to stop- he's always active and full of energy. He has charm and confidence and that's what draws people in. He talks to me like he knows me but no one knows me and that's what makes me push him away. He cannot know me, he cannot fix me"

I stop my words before I say too much

"I've said too much" he looks at me and nods "maybe." He stands up "wanna dance?" My eyes widen "come on"

He drags me to the floor, sweaty bodies around me, loud music blasting

He gets behind me and grinds against my backside

His hands go to my hips and he brings his mouth to my ear "let loose" I suck in air and nod

I let my body move with his and in this moment

This moment only

I was okay with what I am

What feels like hours pass by and ten shots later I'm in the bathroom with this man I had just met, on my knees and horny.

"You've got such nice lips" he moans and I stop what I'm doing

"I can't" I stand up and tears start rolling down my face "I really fucking can't" I walk away from him and he grabs my hand "can I at least get your name?" I let out a choked sob "Henry" his eyes widen

"Wait" I shake my head "no, do not ask ANY questions. Do not connect dots and do not even think for a second that you know who I am" he nods

"Here's my number- when you're sober and not sleep deprived give me a call. Everyone could use a friend that won't judge them and maybe in some ways, can understand"

He puts the piece of paper in my hands and walks out

I glance at myself in the mirror, seeing my eye bags and wet cheeks. I've officially lost myself

Or maybe

I was always lost

——
ANANANA

Yes Ian as in Ian Gallagher.

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