Our Indefinable Love

four - love is fearful

The school day was over quicker than I expected it to be, much to my relief.

I decided to walk home quite promptly so that I could get ready to go into town with Scarlett and Ali, I certainly wasn't going dressed like this.

As soon as I opened the front door I knew something was up. The house was eerily still and quiet.

Usually when I get home mum is crazy busy, taking phone calls while making the dinner or setting up meetings while mopping the floor. Sometimes she even has clients round because she prefers to work from home.

"Mum?" I called out into the empty void. "Where are you? Are you upstairs?"

I was suddenly aware of a soft murmur coming from the side of the landing. It sounded like a gentle sob.

My heart started pounding loudly against my chest as my mind went racing through endless possible worst case scenarios.

I grasped the staircase handrail, not trusting my shaking feet to keep me balance as I climbed each step growing more and more fearful the closer I got to the top.

My mum was curled up into a tight ball, rocking nervously back and forth. Her eyes were bloodshot and glistened with tears. Her chestnut brown hair was scraped back into a messy bun with loose strands that fell all around her face. It was only at times like these when she really looked her age.

I was hauntingly reminded of the last time I had seen her like this, the day he left us. I knew then that it had to be something to do with him.

But I couldn't force my mouth to say his name, so I settled for saying, "Mum wh-what's the matter?"

She looked up at me for a few seconds as though trying to fight back and show some composure but it was clear to see that she was fighting a losing battle, and her sobs became more violent.

I felt so completely helpless.

So I did the only thing I felt I could and slumped down so I too was sitting on the carpeted staircase landing, wrapping my arms around her so that she was hugged tightly into me and whispered in her ear like she used to do to me when I was small.

"Whatever it is, we're going to get through this together, we always do."

That seemed to hit a nerve in her and she sat upright, rubbing her eyes.

"It's your father, Ella." Mum breathed, her voice shaking. "He's getting re-married."

And with that she curled up into her familiar ball as her eyes gave way once again causing a vicious downpour.

My dad is getting re-married. I guess that means that he really did love that woman he left us for. Or at least what he considered to be love – I knew better than anyone that love can be hopelessly blind.

But even if that was considered good news, why wasn't it settling the growing pain in my stomach? Nothing could shake the pessimistic thoughts in my brain; why didn't he love us as much as he loved her? Why wasn't this family enough for him? What did I do to make him leave?

The room started to shake violently and it felt like someone was bashing a hammer against my head. I closed my eyes and hoped it went away, hope it all went away.

*******

I could hear my phone buzzing in the distance and I instantly jerked myself up. I forgot all about the girls coming over to go to into town.

Mum wasn't sitting down beside me anymore and I jumped to my feet hastily to check if she was okay. I found her sleeping peacefully in her bedroom and my heart rate returned to normal.