Our Indefinable Love

eleven - love is rejecting

Noah darted his eyes to the ground as though he was fighting a losing battle with himself. I could sense his desperation in every movement he made and I just knew he was dying to ask me this question. But I couldn't hide the hesitant look on my face. This is all moving much too fast and soon he's going to start expecting things from me, things that I know I cannot force myself to wish for.

He started to stare longingly into my eyes and I found myself trying to communicate with him with just a look, hoping he would finally get the message. He breathed a sigh of disappointment and I knew the message had eventually been received.

'Uh...what I was going to ask was...uh...why don't you believe in love? I mean what happened to you was it some shitty ex – boyfriend who broke your heart?' He asked, returning his gaze to the ground. He was fiddling with the blades of grass, picking them{ up and weaving them through his fingers.

I just laughed in response because I didn't exactly know what to say. Was this his indirect way of asking why I won't go out with him?

'Because if it was, I'll go beat him up for you if you want.' He stated, now looking at me with a small smile on his face.

'Yeah, I bet you would.' I replied, looking at his bruised eye that he obtained just last night. I reached out my hand to touch his face but he flinched back and eased away from me.

'Sorry, I didn't know it would still be that sore.' I spoke quickly.

His face was turned away from me and he was staring out at the water vacantly. 'No, it doesn't hurt at all actually. That's not why I- uh...'

Ouch, now I know how it feels to be on this side of rejection.

'Look, Ella.' He said turning around to face me. 'You've got to help me understand what's going on here.'

'What do you mean?' I asked.

'You kissed me. You kissed me. Then you come out here on this date with me-'

'Nobody said anything about this being a date.' I interjected.

'I brought you flowers and chocolates that automatically makes it a date.' He replied just as quick.

'So, what's your point?' I asked.

'I just want to know what this is, Ella. What are we?' He asked softly, looking at the ground.

'I like you Noah. I really do.' I said, lifting his head to make him look at me. 'But I can't give you what you want. I can't be a perfect girlfriend; I don't fare well with emotions and feelings because people always end up getting hurt. And I really don't want to hurt you. So let's just see how this goes. We're young; we don't need the hassle of labels and all that serious stuff.'

'But how do I introduce you to my friends then?' He asked abruptly straightening himself up.

Really? That's all he is worried about?

'What do you mean?' I asked confusedly.

'Like when I say "So guys this is Ella my..." my what?' He asked while moving his arms widely acting out the scenario animatedly.

'My...friend?' I reply, as if this answer was too simple for him.

'Friend...friend...alright.' He replied nodding like a bobble head.

'Friends?' I stuck out my hand for him to shake in agreement.

'Friends.' He answered with a firm shake. 'Friends with benefits!' He uttered jokingly under his breath with a sly smirk on his face.

'I heard that!' I cried in response, slapping him playfully on his arm.

He grabbed me by my sides and threw me down onto the picnic blanket before tickling me all over my body. After we both stopped laughing hysterically at each other, he hovered over me as I lay on the blanket trying to catch my breath.

I found myself staring at his muscular frame, and his toned arms at either side of my neck. I looked back at his face to find him smiling brightly down at me. I had been caught. He leant closer and closer into me until I could feel his staggering breath against my cheek. He waited there for a few seconds, as though asking for my permission to kiss me. I decided to take matters into my own hands and wrap my arms around his neck, breaking the distance between us.

Kissing Noah was like forgetting how to breathe and then being suddenly reminded over and over again. He is intuition, a burning flame, and a promise worth keeping.

○ ○ ○ ○

We were both now lying on our backs, staring up at the clouds trying to point out the shapes we saw to each other when I finally spoke up.

'My dad left when I was eight.' I spoke softly.

Noah wiped his head around to look at me with a confused look on his face. 'What?'

'You wanted to know why I don't believe in love, well here it is. I guess it's your typical dad leaves mum and daughter to fend for themselves kind of story; he had a drinking problem and my mum loved him too much to ever stand up to him and tell him to leave. Until one day she decided that it wasn't safe for me anymore, he was putting us both in danger. So she blurted out everything she had held in for five years over dinner and the next day I came home from school and... He was gone.'

Noah reached out his arm and grabbed me closer to him. 'Ella, I'm so sorry.' He whispered softly into my ear.

'It's okay, I'm much better now honestly. I used to get these really bad panic attacks whenever I thought about him, and I hated them. It was like he still had something over me, after all these years he was still messing with my head.' Noah stared at me with great understanding, making it so much easier for me to open up to him.

'Anyway, I basically gave up on the whole idea of love after that. I saw how loving my dad changed my mum, she became a different person. And I understand that relationships can make you become a better person and all that but... I never want to lose myself for some guy. I don't want my whole perspective of life to change; I don't want to change my game plan. Does that just make me really selfish?' I asked hesitantly.

'No, not at all. You should never change yourself for anyone Ella. Because the truth is, you're better than all of them.' Noah replied with a bright smile.

○ ○ ○ ○

I stepped through my front door, feeling giddy with excitement. That couldn't have gone any better. I leant my back up against the door and closed my eyes, thinking about Noah's perfect face and perfect lips and how wonderfully understanding he was of me.

 I opened my eyes when I finally became aware of my surroundings. I could hear hushed voices in the distance. They sounded like they were coming from the kitchen. Surely mum wouldn't be meeting with clients at this time of night?

 I edged around the corner, stepping quietly in case I was disturbing something important. I peeped a scan through the open kitchen door, and that's when I saw him.

'What the hell are you doing here?'

*********

Another cliffhanger! (I know I am a terrible person)

Who do you think is the unexpected visitor in Ella's house??

I hope you enjoyed that chapter! A little more was revealed about why Ella is so stubborn about falling in love. Do you think Noah was too understanding?

I would love to hear your feedback in the comments! 

I also changed the cover for this story to one based on the actors I chose to play Ella and Noah; Lucy Hale and Dylan O'Brien - let me know what you think of it :)

Thank you all so much for 600+ reads! It keeps going up and up with every update and it really is insane to me - thank you thank you thank you

lots of love for you all xx

this chapter is dedicated specially to my great friend, sabbbycat. this girl is super duper amazing! she is always so supportive and lovely about this story, thank you so much  love you xxx   

you all must go check out her story The Strength Of Us it is truly superb! (plus she has Dylan O'Brien in her cast!)