Our Indefinable Love

twelve - love is persistant

He was sitting across from my mum with a confused and some-what hurt look on his face.

'Don't look at me like that! I asked you a question.' I stated trying to sound as furious as possible but my voice slightly quivered at the end and could feel my knees trembling as my heart rate increased more and more every second.

'Ella don't talk to your father like that.' Mum uttered under her breath. I could tell she said it more out of politeness than anything. She knew more than anyone that I had earned my right to talk to him however I liked the day he walked out on us.

I walked nervously towards the kitchen telling myself that I had to remain strong, for mum's sake and for my own. But my vision was starting to blur and I found myself stumbling and struggling to walk straight.

Please not here. Not now. You can't show him how much he still has over you.

'Come here, sit down next to me.' Mum gestured towards the seat next to her, never moving her eyes off me. She could tell that I was on the edge. That woman knows me too well.

As I sat I diverted my eyes away from his direction. I couldn't muster up enough will power to look at him. However my peripheral vision convinced me that he had not changed at all since the last time I had seen him. Except now his grey hair seemed to be thinning at the top and his once rugged beard was replaced with a clean shave. I found myself wondering if that change was one he decided on himself or was his new fiancée the controlling type who told him she wouldn't go near him until he shaved. My thoughts were soon interrupted by the newly clean shaven man himself.

'I can't believe how big you've gotten, Ella. I see the odd picture now and again but I never expected you to look so grown up.' He said looking over at me. His gaze was making me squirm with discomfort.

'And what else did you expect? Did you think you would just come through the door and I'd still be eight years old, running into your arms?' I asked bitterly with tears forming in my eyes.

'Look, I know I have lots to make up for but...I'm here now, aren't I? I just want to talk Ell-'

'You see that's the thing, I don't want to talk! You can do whatever you want alright? If you came here for my blessing on your new life – wish granted! Go make some other woman happy. Love her more than anything. Just promise me one thing okay?' I asked hesitantly finally looking into his eyes, 'If you ever have another daughter, promise me that you will never let her down. Don't make her feel the way I feel about you right now. Because I'll tell you something, no daughter deserves to feel this way.'

A small tear escaped from his eyes and I watched as it trickled slowly down the side of his face, 'I promise.' He said before getting up and walking away from me. From us. Just like before.

When I heard the front door close behind him I let out a sorrowful wail and buried my face in my hands. I felt like my stomach was an engulfing black hole, sucking in all my internal organs so I slammed my fist against it to try and stop the pain. My breathing was out of control and I started seeing black spots everywhere. I felt two arms tighten around me and the feeling slightly eased. I was numb.

I had always tried so hard to hold it all together. I always had to be the strong one, for mum. I cried myself to sleep the night he left us and that was it. For nine years I had been the strong one trying my best to glue everything back together and with every tear that fell, I felt more and more broken.

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'You know you don't have to go in to school today if you don't want to. I can easily just call in and let them know you aren't feeling well.'