Well Dunn

Part 34

" I have an offer for Glasgow's law school. " I mumble, not sure whether it is a good news or a bad news. 

Abel claims joyfully " WOW ! We got a future lawyer in the place ! " It makes me smile I hit his shoulder playfully. Devesh also greets me with his arms opened. Whereas Kemi claps her hands. Sadie is the only one looking a bit sad, maybe she understands that this isn't that much of a good news. 

" Why the sad face, Sadie ? " I ask her. She is playing with her fingers as if she didn't hear me. I look at the others who are as surprised as I am. Few seconds later she looks at me and tells me sternly " This is the end." 

I immediately think of her illness. My heart stops. " Wh-what do you mean Sadie ? "

She talks staring at the wall " Can't you see ? This is all over. "

Devesh asks with concern " What is she talking about ? " I shrug my shoulders hoping she wasn't refering to her death. 

She suddenly goes back to normal but still looking a bit sad. " We won't be together anymore. Does it only saddens me ? "

Kemi immediately screams " AAAAAWWW " running to Sadie's sides hugging her. Sadie continues " Abel's in London, Devesh staying in Bristol,me going to Cambridge and Jodie leaving to Glasgow ! "

Abel tries to calm her by telling her " You forgot Devesh and his car ! We will find a way to see each other often ! " Devesh adds " Before being sad thinking about next year, you guys should start by getting your diploma ! " I laugh a bit and I notice that Sadie is finally showing her teeths. 

Sadie asks Kemi " What about you ? No enveloppe to open ? " Kemi moves her head " No uni for me !"

If I was surprised by someone not going to uni it was certainly Kemi. To many students , money is a bareer to higher studies. This is why I applied to Glasgow, Scotland is cheaper. But for Kemi money isn't a problem, so why didn't she apply ? 

Devesh asks her " Kemi I thought you wanted to study Economics at LSE ! Did you even apply ? "

" No, it isn't for me. I want to fully give myself to music. "

" But when did you decide that ? "he says, surprise in the tone of his voice

" Last minute change, Devesh. I won't regret it , I have to stay focus on my goal. " she adds.

Abel says " I stand by you Kemi, no uni no problem !" We all laugh, whereas Kemi thanks him. It's a cool afternoon, we are eating, talking, making plans about how we will visit each other and so on but as often it is cool in appareance. In reality, I am thinking about Sadie, why was she talking about an end ? I am so scared of loosing her, she is also so discreet about her illness. She never tells me how things are doing, even if I ask her...

" Mum, I got an offer for Glasow's law school !" 

This is it, this is the moment. I see it in her eyes. The pride. She smiles, screams, I don't even know what she is saying because I am so focused on her facial expression. My mother is happy, she is proud. She dances and screams. This feeling feels good. Is it what Devesh is living for ? Making other people feel like that ? Wow. She is even happier than me but it makes me happy. I smile.

She immediately calls my dad " SHE GOT IN !! LAW SCHOOL !!! THANK GOD !! GLORY TO THE LORD !! OUR BABY !! DO YOU HEAR THAT ? " 

My dad congratulates me too. I hear them being happy and proud for fifteen minutes. When my dad hang up the phone, my mother said " Put a pretty dress on, we are going to a restaurant to celebrate !" 

After my delicious dinner in a jamaican restaurant I am now laying in bed. So this is law school. I am finally going to a law school. I'm going to become a lawyer or a judge. I would like to become a judge a bit more, they're more powerful I guess. But still, deeply inside of me I am disapointed. I would have loved to study creative writing or litterature. I would have been happy to study Shakespeare, Hemingway and all of their friends ! I would have been happy to have really long essays that would have make me think about the world and also philosophy. Instead, I'm going to right about laws. At least, I will help people with it. 

Choosing what we want is so difficult, because actually we don't know what we want. So when we don't know what we want, life chooses for us and we accept what is happening. I accept that I have to give up something that I love for something that I am less interested in for the sake of my parents' happiness. I accept that I give up my dream of being a journalist for TIME. I accept that I give up many these because I couldn't be able to choose something in time. I may regret it or not later but for now I just accept because there is nothing else I can do. 

I move and move again in my bed. Being a bit sad and disappointed at myself for not achieving what I really would have wanted.  I also realize that I will move to Glasgow next year. This is going to be such a huge change for me, maybe I needed it after all. I can't picture myself so far away. Next year is going to be exciting I guess. 

I pray and close my eyes, hoping for a bright future.

Today is another day in Roundview college. I am sitting at the lunch table with Sadie and James. They are talking, looking at each other straight in the eyes. This isn't the look that means I am listening to you, this is the look that mean I am drinking what you are saying, I am paying attention to your words but also to your persona. This is the kind of look that makes you realize that maybe you shouldn't be there. Because, actually, I feel like I shouldn't be there. I feel like they need some intimacy. But I don't move, I just look at my food letting them talk and filling my mind with many thoughts. When will someone look at me the way James looks at Sadie ? When will someone fall in love with me ? How can I make this happen ? Maybe I should check WikiHow. 

Anyway, I'm standing there being happy for Sadie. I wonder when will James discover about her cancer. It's not something she can hide forever. I'm wondering if she will beat this cancer. She missed less classes lately, maybe she doesn't have a lot of appointments anymore. 

Time is flying and without me realizing it the last hour of class is over. I'm waiting for Sadie to pack up her stuffs and go but she waves at me telling me that she will be hanging with James today, so I can go home alone.

So this is what I am doing, walking alone in the streets, slowly, lost between my thoughts and the lyrics of the song I'm listening to. Suddenly, an arm appears under my throat, strangling me. 

" I have a knife in my pocket so I suggest that you will do as I say. "