POTS ~ The struggle of standing

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Juno's pov:

'2 missed calls from Hazel'

The light from the screen, was lighting up the curtain-darkened room. It felt intrusive to touch his phone. He laid it back down on his bed.

It's always like this. Juno thought to himself.

Isolating himself instead of facing the consequences. Instead of facing reality. He knew this. And for a  ok me reason that was the worst if it. If he had just been ignorant! If he had no idea, then he could have never hurt himself like he was doing now.

It was rude to keep ghosting Hazel. None of this was her fault. She shouldn't get neglected because he was strained, mentally.

He picked up his phone again. Took a minute to gather his courage. He never used to do that. This was his trusted confidant. His friend. His Hazel. His Hazel. Then he tapped the call-button.

.
.
.

She didn't pick up. It was too late. Just like he had yet to answer Eliot's texts;

"You don't get to come with excuses. Do you not care at all?"

Eliot writings hang heavy in the air. Juno had never had the confidence to answer him. Or maybe he simply didn't know what to say to both fix the problem and put himself in a better light - on a higher and better pedestal. To falsely portray that even though he was not a good person or did the right things, he was still waiting. He had already done that once, and that lead to this message. Juno wasn't sure why, but he wanted to portray being wise beyond his years. Maybe that way he wouldn't feel so guilty for only being himself.

"You don't get to come with excuses. Do you not care at all?"

I do! I think I care too much. And this is how it always ends. With me feeling like a crushed together paper, whose only task is hitting the recycling bin. Of course I miss. I always do. Who would want to recycle him?

I care too much. So I downplay my feelings in the hopes of not scaring you off. I was never a good person. At least I hope, I didn't pretend to be one.

I miss you. And I don't want to grow away from you. With all the self-help books I've read throughout the years, to better understand myself and others, I feel like I have only drifted further apart from reality. I need to give them time, but I also need to confront them with how I'm actually feeling but I also need to take their feelings into consideration. And I shouldn't make it all about me. But I also need to talk through my own eyes - and with honesty. The only thing that I've learned, is that I know nothing about myself.

I know how to help others in a perfect black-and-white world. But that couldn't be further from the truth that we live in.

His phone sang its melody. The way too bright screen lit up. It was Hazel. She had called him back-

She-,

She still cared!

"H-hi" Juno tried not to fumble over his words.

"... Good evening Juno. Sorry I missed your call. I was out helping my mom buying some essentials for my cousin. How're you doin'?"

She rambled on.

"Have you finally talked with Eliot?"

... "No?" When would he have had the time to do that?

"Juno, I need you to talk to him. You can't keep this up." Hazel sounded a little static over the phone.

"I know."

"Do you? Then why to you keep doing this? I know you need time, but still. I can't help you if you won't talk to me. Do you want me to stop talking to him too, so it feels less lonely?"

"What?" Really? "No!" You would do that for me? No you wouldn't.

"I just want Eliot to take better care of himself. Is that too much to ask?" I spit through my teeth. "And I know it's difficult. I know it's a lot. And I know school is a lot. So I can't keep taking up the precious time that he needs for himself. I can't keep doing that to him."

It's not healthy. Mentally or physically.

"I want to help him, but how can I help him if I can't even help myself first? I sometime feel like an overprotective parent, and I don't want to be that - not to him. I just... I just want him to be better. And that sounds mean and it's not supposed to be mean. I just... I want to smile for the reason being, that he's smiling."

(Sleep well, Raindrops;)