Reaper's Touch

Hex: Knots

"We learn the rope of life by untying its knots."
Jean Toomer

Hex sat at the bridge, letting herself cry for the first time in a long time. She hated crying. It was weakness. It meant she had become dependent upon something that was now lost, and she always swore she would never depend on anything or anyone. Each time she broke that vow, she hated herself.

Gus had completely pulled the rug out from under her with his betrayal. She would have expected this from Adam. It happened more times than she could count! But Gus? Not Gus. Not sweet, gentle Gus who brought all those presents to the bridge for her, who treated her like a princess, who she had fallen for so completely in every way. That made the betrayal much worse.

And now she was pregnant with his child.

There was little question now that she would get an abortion. Gus wasn't ready to be a father, and she refused to bring a child into a world where it would only suffer. DCF would come, take it away, put it in some home where she couldn't protect it, and bad things might happen, the same bad things that had happened to her.

"I'm glad I found you," said a voice to her right.

Hex looked over and saw Gus standing there. A flood of conflicting emotions poured over her.

"Leave me alone!" she shouted.

"No. I won't," he said, walking forward.

"I mean it, Gus! We are DONE! Go away!"

"No."

He was already so close. Hex's heart felt twisted and knotted up, the way her hair always did if she didn't take care of her curls the right way.

Gus sat next to her, and she couldn't bring herself to move away. She could feel the warmth of his body, and it was comforting in the cold night despite how angry she felt.

"Ember kicked me out," Gus said.

"Good!" Hex snapped.

"You can stay there, but I can't."

"I'm sleeping here tonight. I don't want to talk to anyone. Especially you," Hex said.

"Then I'm sleeping here too, because I'm not leaving your side."

"I hate you for this," she whispered, shaking her head.

"I hate me too," Gus said.

"Why? Why did you do it?"

Gus closed his eyes. "Hex, I don't think I want to live if I have to be sober."

"Don't fucking say that! I hate that suicide bullshit!"

"Sorry. Just being honest about how I feel. I don't think I can live anymore. Losing Jeff... it was like somethin' broke in me, the thing that was keepin' me together through all the other shit I been through in my life... it's broke now. I can't fix it."

Hex sighed. "So I'm not enough then."

"It has nothing to do with you, I promise! I love you so much it fuckin' hurts, Hex. The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," Gus said.

"Well you did!" she snapped.

"I know I did, and I hate myself for that. I'll try to make it up to you for the rest of my life if you'll have me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Hex. I love you so much."

Hex turned her face away, because fresh tears were running down her cold cheeks and she didn't want Gus to see them.

She felt his fingertips, soft as snowflakes, come to rest between her shoulder blades, and she didn't shake his hand away.

"I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"What?" Gus said.

"You heard me."

For a long time, Gus was silent, absorbing this information. Where his fingers touched her back, she felt two slight taps. Then he said,

"How far along are you?"

Hex shrugged. "Don't know. Not far. I didn't get my period and took a test earlier this week."

"It's my fault. I should've-"

"It's mine too. We were both stupid. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."

They were quiet. Hex watched her breath puffing in the cold air. Winter nights always seemed so still. Nothing moved but the traffic beyond the bridge, its faint roar like a retreating storm.

"We're gonna be parents?" Gus whispered at last.

"I don't want to keep it," Hex said, shaking her head.

"Why? Just 'cause it's mine?"

Hex could hear the pain in his voice, and it was satisfying to know she'd hurt him almost as badly as he had hurt her.

"It's obvious after tonight that you're not ready to be a father," she said.

"I'll get ready! I promise! I'll be a good dad! You'll be a good mom! Please, Hex... don't abort it. Please."

Hex wiped the tears off her cheeks. "We don't even have a place to live."

"We'll get our application approved soon! We'll have our own place. I promise! We'll raise the baby there. We'll make it a cute little room all its own," Gus said fervently.

Hex couldn't help picturing the scene that had been her only dream once: a family of her own in a house of her own, a life of her own where she could be at peace and finally stop fighting the war. That dream was so old and tattered now, stained with blood and tears. It set there in her hands like a gravestone. She tried to hold onto her anger in one hand and the dream in the other, but the dream was too heavy, and the anger began to dissipate as scenes of that fantasy played out inside her head. A baby. A house. A man who loved her. She saw herself and Gus playing with a little child, laughing and happy.

"Gus, I don't know about this," she said softly. "I can't go through another stillbirth."

"It'll be different this time," Gus said gently. "You'll have me with you the whole way. I promise. I'll probably fuck up a lot, I'll probably piss you off, but I'll be there... loving you and the baby so much."

When he put his arm around her shoulders, Hex stiffened but didn't pull away. She couldn't. She felt her body giving in, her muscles rebelling against her, relaxing into his embrace, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love you," Gus whispered against her hair. "So much. I love you, I love you, I love you... I'll never stop loving you."

Hex closed her eyes. "I love you too."

"Please forgive me. We have to move forward... for the baby," Gus said.

Hex nodded slowly. "I know. But I need time. I can't just forgive you."

"You can have all the time you need."

"Where will you stay?"

Gus shrugged and waved his arm around. "Here."

"It's winter," Hex said with a scoff.

"I know. I'll live," Gus said. "We've done it before."

"Gus, you can't live here. I'll buy you a room somewhere. Just... show me you can do this. Don't tell me. Show me you can raise this child with me."

Gus nodded. "I will. I'll show you that everything will be okay."