Reaper's Touch

Hex: Changing

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."
- Brendan Behan

Hex could feel the weight of the black and white composition notebook in her hand as she walked back to Ember's place alone, and it seemed heavier with each step. Gus had offered to walk with her, but she needed time to think.

It was impossible to sort out her feelings. Did she really like Gus or did she like him because Adam wasn't here and he was the next best thing? If the latter was true, she needed to completely cut him out of her life. It was unfair. But just as she would make the decision to do so, she would think about the bag of gifts she was keeping beneath her pillow, and the argument in her head would start back at the beginning.

It was those gifts, combined with the multitude of other little things Gus did and said each day, that left her paralyzed and unable to make a decision.

When Adam was alive, Hex never gave much thought to Gus. He was the baby of the group and was treated accordingly. Back then he was so traumatized, small and childlike. So much of their existence revolved around basic survival, and Gus's innocence had been a burden that Hex never had the patience for.

In just a few years, though, Gus had grown up to be someone she couldn't help but admire. And she couldn't explain away his kindness as immaturity or naivety anymore. She knew for a fact that he had seen the worst the world had to give, but he still chose kindness every time. That required a level of strength she hadn't thought was possible for anyone to possess until he came back into her life.

When she got upstairs and into the dark apartment, where everyone else was asleep, Hex crept to her bed on the couch and opened up the notebook again, this time to the pages she hadn't read to Gus, the pages she hadn't dared to show him.

July 5

"I didn't mean for this to happen and it shouldn't have, but Hex says she's pregnant. When she first told me I really freaked out and had to leave for a few hours. I started thinking about all of it. Most of all I'm thinking what kind of father will I be? I know I'm all fucked up. It's not just the crank. I can barely sleep even on downers. The thoughts in my head are racing, and things I don't wanna think about keep coming up. You can't love somebody out of a shitty situation, and I can't love this baby out of the life I know it'll have if we go through with this.

I don't wanna get clean. I don't wanna be in my right mind. I don't wanna think or remember any of it. Hex doesn't get that. She's going cold turkey and I'm not. It's only a matter of time till she decides I'm not worth keeping around, and she's right. It's so much more than just getting high to me. It's the only way I can look at the world and be okay. If I can't even face the world sober, how can I be a father?

July 6

I went to the gas station and got her a ring and asked her to marry me. I can't believe she said yes. I have nothing to give her. Nothing at all. Soon she'll realize that, take the baby away, and I'll have nothing. She's the only good thing I have. Well, her and Gus both, but I don't know if they love the real me or the guy I try to be for everyone else.

July 26

It would be better if I just died or something. Not suicide. That hurts too many people. Not something like that. Something accidental, avoidable, something I can choose without looking like I chose it.

The ouija board told me I would die at 17, and I think about that all the time. Is it true? If it is, why am I not afraid and why do I kinda hope it's real? Hex would be sad, but she'd be better off for it. So would the baby. And Gus would be okay over time. He would move on and find someone else to love. Maybe the board is right, or maybe I'm already dead. What's the difference anymore? Sometimes I'm so numb I wonder if I'm a ghost."