Are We Meant to Be?

Chapter 36

We got up in the morning and decided to put the research on hold for a while since everyone had been going through a lot and Dean was still processing everything that he had once avoided thinking about. Dean was still in his room when Sam, Ethan, and I got up.

"He ok?" Sam asked.

"He'll be fine. If it gets too late, I'll go talk to him." Dean stayed in his room as the time grew later. 1pm, 2pm. Dean never slept this late. "I'm gonna go see what's up with Dean." I told Sam, which was replied to with a nod.

I went down the hall and knocked on his door. An emotionally distressed Dean opened it. "What?" He asked semi angrily.

"It was getting late. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. Sorry for asking." I said as I was going to let him be.

"Wait. I'm sorry. Thank you for checking. I'm just upset ok. I've got a lot to work through."

"I get it. You know where I am if you want to talk. I mean it. You can talk to me and if it's something you want private, I won't tell Sam."

"I know."

"Do you want any lunch?"

"I'm ok. I'll take something to drink though."

"Ok. I'll bring you something." I went back out to Sam. "He's ok, Sam. He's working through a bunch of stuff. He's upset but he's ok. I'm taking him a drink."

"I'm glad he's ok. Does he know he can talk to us?"

"I told him he could talk to me and I'll be sure to tell him he can talk to you too." He nodded. I grabbed Dean a Dr. Pepper. I took it to him. "Sam says you can always talk to him too."

"I know. I'll be ok. Just give me time to work through stuff."

"Of course. We're putting the research on hold for a while. You have all the time you need."

"Thanks." He said. I walked back out and sat with Sam and Ethan on the couch.

"Mommy?"

"Yeah bud?"

"Where's Dean?"

"In his room. He's been through a lot of tough stuff and he's upset so he's spending some time alone to think about stuff."

"Can I go say hi?"

"I don't know that that's the best idea right now bud. He just wants to be alone for a while." Ethan nodded sadly. Suddenly, a text popped up on my phone.

Can I talk to you? It was from Dean.

Yeah. One sec. "Sam, Dean wants to talk with me about stuff. That ok?"

"Yeah. Of course." I went back to Dean's room. Man, I was making so many trips back and forth recently.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey. You look worse than the last time I saw you. You sure you're ok?"

"Not really. I just want to talk to you about some stuff." He said as he shut the door.

"Ok. What's up?" His eyes started tearing up.

"I shouldn't be this upset." He said as he looked at the ceiling. "It was so long ago... Um, how do you deal with your mom dying?"

"Dean, to be honest, I don't know. It's hard for me too. It hurts. It feels like there's this place in you where only true and perfect love can come in, and when she's gone, that place is emptied. For the longest time I thought nothing could fill it. Truthfully, only a mother's love can, but being with You and Sam has helped a lot."

"How do you deal with the pain?"

"I don't know. It still hurts me too. You were so young. I'm sure it hurts so much more." He pulled me in for a hug and cried on my shoulder.

"It hurts so bad. I never realized how hard it really was on me. I had to hide my fear, my grief, my pain, my sadness, from my dad."

"All the emotions are flooding back?" I felt him nod.

"It'll be ok. I promise. I can't bring her back, but you have her memory Dean. Remember the good times with her. Remember her love. It's gonna hurt. I know it will, but you'll be ok." I said as I continued to hug him. He sat up.

"Thanks."

"Of course. Anything else you want to talk about or ask about?"

"Um, am I going about this the wrong way?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to be showing Ethan that it's ok to bottle your feelings up and then let them all out in one sitting."

"I'll talk to him about it ok? This is good for you. You should be getting your feelings out." He nodded and I left the room.

~Dean's POV~

Thinking about how hard mom was hitting me right now made me really see how big of a jerk I had been to Sam. I gave him so much grief about Jess. I was trying to get him to move on faster than he could and I didn't even allow him to use it as an excuse for not wanting to date Miranda.

Sam, I want to talk to you about a couple things. I texted him after a couple hours. He knocked on my door. I let him in and shut the door behind him.

"What's up?" He asked.

"I need to apologize first."

"For what? If it's for crying-"

"No. It's not that. I was a jerk to you about Jess."

"Dean, what are you talking about?"

"I tried to force you to move on, and I was acting like it wasn't an excuse for not wanting to be with Miranda so fast. I didn't know how hard it was on you. I hadn't felt that pain. When mom died, I didn't have very long to think or grieve about it. Dad made me into his little soldier and I never actually realized the pain I felt. It sucks. It hurts. I practically forced you to move on faster than you could."

"It's ok Dean. I'm not mad at you. I didn't want you to have understood how it felt. That's not a pain I would wish on anyone Dean. I know it hurts, and now you've gotta relive it. I'm sorry Dad was the reason you never got to grieve her. Speaking of Dad, I owe you an apology."

"What for?"

"I gave you a lot of garbage about always following dad's orders throughout the years. For the longest time, I never paid attention to how hard he was on you. I know now that he forced you to protect me and watch over me all the time. I know now that he was more like a drill sergeant than a dad. I know he's the reason you built up the walls you did and the fronts you had. I shouldn't be so hard on you for following his orders. You did what you were supposed to do and had to do."

"Thanks Sammy. One more question. Will you promise me that you will never leave Miranda and Ethan, and you won't act like dad by making Ethan feel like he can't show his emotions? I don't want this kid to turn into the mess I am."

"Of course. I'm staying right here with them, and Miranda just talked to Ethan so he knows not to hold emotions in. You're not a mess, Dean."

"Also, thanks for being here for me. Whether I actually talk to you about anything or not, I appreciate you being here and being my brother. We fight, we argue, but I still wouldn't want to have anyone else for my brother."

"Thanks Dean. I wouldn't want anyone else either." He said. We hugged it out, then we all went to bed.