Unknown Happen Stance

Chapter 51: What Would Musa's Birth Mother Want Her To Do?

The echoes of Riven's words linger like a melancholic melody within Musa's mind, each syllable a hammer blow against the fortress of her self-perception. He saw her, perhaps more clearly than she sees herself, labeling her with traits she secretly fears are true: avoidant, stubborn, reckless, embarrassing, and hopelessly naive. These are not accusations hurled in anger, but dispassionate observations that burrow deep, unsettling her composure and forcing her to confront the uncomfortable truths she has long tried to ignore.

"I can't promise I won't hurt you," his words ring, a chilling prophecy that underscores her deepest insecurities. "This isn't going to work for us, Musa. I don't trust you; you're passive-aggressive," he stated with a finality that still stings. Then, there is the haunting echo of a different voice, a sentiment that predates Riven, "I will always love you even when you're being mean to me and stopped loving me." These words, spoken by a younger male voice long ago, resonate with a strange familiarity, painting a portrait of Musa she both recognizes and desperately wants to disown.

"MUSA! Stop!" Cardell's voice explodes through the corridors of her memory, a desperate plea from a past moment. He implores her to cast off her naivete and idealism, to remember the social missteps the doctor once pointed out. "Just because you feel like someone's lying to you doesn't mean they are. People can love you deeply even when you are being mean to them because it's not your fault you act mean," he said. His voice is laced with urgency. "Don't be like the girl I knew who wasn't saved from her disease. Don't let this distortion conquer the true heart of who you are. What would your birth mother do in these circumstances?! What would she want you to do?"

Those final questions from her foster brother strike with the force of a tornado, ripping away the carefully constructed facade of confidence she presents to the world. Beneath the surface, a raw vulnerability bleeds into the light, a testament to the internal war she wages against herself. Yet, the simmering undercurrent of passive aggression still simmers within her chest, an unwelcome and familiar guest. Grasping the weights of Discipline and Strength, she channels the angry, pulsing energy of her emotions into the grain of the wood, preparing for the arduous climb.

Below, Lonnie clutches Ben's hand, her eyes fixed on Musa's ascent. "I can't believe she volunteered for that," she whispers, her voice laced with a mixture of admiration and apprehension. The task is daunting for the trained, and Musa, with her unproven physicality, faces an even greater challenge. Lonnie is both inspired and alarmed by her friend's unwavering commitment.

"She's growing by doing this, that is what matters, Lonnie and Evie," Ben replies, his voice a calming balm to their anxieties. He places his hand over Lonnie's, a silent gesture of reassurance. The arena air crackles with a palpable energy, a blend of fear and admiration for Musa's resolve.

"I am so nervous for her right now; those weights could injure her with those weak limbs, Ben," Evie frets, her voice tight with concern. Musa is her friend, and seeing her push beyond her limits, especially with such physical strain, is a terrifying spectacle. The possibility of harm hangs heavy in the air.

"Give her the benefit of the doubt, Evie," Ben gently counters, his wisdom a calming influence. "Overthinking is a bane in life and living. As long as people don't overthink, their fears can't stop them." His words are directed at Evie, but the underlying truth resonates with Musa's own struggles. She climbs, not just against gravity and the weights, but against the insidious overthinking that has held her captive.

With each agonizing pull, Musa ascends the pole, her muscles screaming in protest, her mind laser-focused on the task at hand. The voices of Cardell and Riven intertwine, creating a complex tapestry of pain and motivation. This is not merely a physical challenge; it is a confrontation with her own fractured self, a testament to her refusal to be defined solely by her flaws. She climbs in honor of her past, in defiance of her fears, and in pursuit of a bolder, more authentic version of herself.

Musa knows that the strain of climbing the pole, retrieving the arrow from its peak, is immense. Her sword fights with Uma and Lonnie, always clumsy, have not prepared her for this. Her limbs are weak, untrained but the body recovers quicker than a wounded mind buried in slabs of overthinking rules. Cardell's question to her from when she was ten is now resurfacing with a new light, "Musa, think about your birth mother. What would she want you to do? What would she do in these circumstances?" He hadn't uttered the first sentence but in the questions it was very much implied. She knew what he triggered. It was a what if scenario for if her mother had still been around. Her grief would have turned him aggressive but because she would be his wife, she'd loved through past all the aggression he displayed, working hard to support him so he could heal emotional pain. The entire conversation Cardell had that day on his 18th birthday anniversary was entirely about her father, Hirono. "You can't simply keep ignoring and avoiding your Father. Yes, he turnt aggressive but the same grief you bear damaged him too. He's as much a victim of grief as you were of his aggressiveness. He still raised you with you for four years and he's still your father. Be thankful someone still exists for you, Musa."
"I lost my parents many, many long years ago," Cardell admitted.
"To what?" Musa asked she was  just turning 13 yrs old now. "You already know."
"The same thing that prevented you from loving another woman as a partner, right Cardell?"
"No, it's deeper than that, Musa. No worthy partner of a lady wants an infected boy as their new husband. Besides the doctor said my sperm was severely damaged by lack of blood from the heart. He said I can't have children even if I did marry a young lady worthy of my while."
"You could always adopt?" "And risk them becoming a deposit for infection? No." Cardell countered, "I wouldn't risk that on anyone because of how sexually assaulted I was. But I know what you are going through, Musa and you will fight it better than I am ever able to."
Musa's eyes widened she knew exactly what her adult foster brother meant when he said what he said because their foster mother, Miss Courtnay, had told her about the night terrors years ago when there was horrendous screaming from her foster brother's room. She got up lit up a candle, and went to her foster mother. She asked the candle flickering dancing in the dark blue of the night. The complimentary orange light did little to soothe the stark terror that was pressing hard on the hallway meant for sleep. Another panicked scream and gasping breaths, Courtnay opened the door to adopted son's bedroom. He was choking on nothing his breathing raspy. "Close the door, Musa, quietly." She instructed. She knew based on experience wasn't awake in the mind but his body convulsing steadily under the covers. When Courtnay first adopted him, he was already suffering suicidal 'affective' thoughts. Musa closed the door. "Set that candle and its holder on the dresser top opposite of me. Don't suddenly awaken him." "Why is he like this? Those screams? The gasps? The choking?" "The imposters of our mind give us very deadly thoughts. Those thoughts can kill us if we let them. Your brother has suicide issues. He was unconsciously choking himself. This night terror happens repeatedly and he doesn't know it's attacking him from the inside out." He had fallen off his bed in his covers. The crackling of fire seemed to settle the convulsions down slowly but effectively.
"Falling off his bed, is that what caused the screams? What triggers these night terrors?"
"Memories of the trauma of being a trafficked child, Musa," responded Courtnay shook her head. Falling off his bed hadn't bothered Cardell. "According to his night study doctor he reported Cardell's brainwaves recalls struggling with the traffickers who took him physically fighting with them. But when asked by daylight he doesn't remember what he recalled at all."
"He's in two different cycles for the full 24 hr day, isn't he?" "Unfortunately, yes, this level of suicidal experience is as strong as military personnel coming back from wars bitter and depressed many can't choose to make it. Quite a few men die from suicide compared to women, Musa."

P. S. From Lumna10: I will not use Winx Club's name for Musa's father because it is tied to a history of insult for a certain group of homeless nomads of the United States during the Great Depression.