Thirteen Summers

forty

T H I R T E E N S U M M E R S

tw: physical harm, self-harm, negligence, body dysmorphia, internalised homophobia

It was the parent-teacher conference that day.

Cecily hadn't been looking forward to it and was already itching to leave as she watched, from the classroom window, other parents receiving praises from the teacher about their children.

She knew it wouldn't be the same for her.

They had been there for about half an hour and it was nearly time for their slot, and Josie would not stop humming.

"Stop." Cecily repeated, in a bored tone, over and over.

Josie continued to hum, taking no regard for her mother's words as they waited for their turn.

Cecily was like a broken record, it wasn't until the last set of parents before them left, when she snapped into it.

Tightly gripping her daughter's hand, she pulled her up from her seat as the teacher approached them, her sharp, freshly-manicured nails dug into Josie's palm.

Josie cried out but she went ignored by both adults. They were used to what they saw as tantrums.

"Ms. Sky, lovely to see you again." The teacher, Miss Benson, greeted her warmly.

Cecily's rouged lips upturned into a fake smile as she replied. "I'm sure."

Her hostility could be sensed from the moment she spoke and the two adults awkwardly and coldly stood in silence for a moment.

Josie, however, had become restless, she desperately tried to pull her hand away from her mother but the latter's grip on it was tight.

"Why don't you come in?"

THIRTEEN SUMMERS

Josie observed her right hand, on one side there were small scars from the incident prior to that week.

There were also a couple nail marks, fresh from that day but that was the norm for Josie. She often let her nails dig into her palm in times of anxiety and uncertainty.

Somewhere along the way, it had become a grounding technique for her, albeit not a healthy one.

On the other side of her hand, there were bite marks from her own teeth. Marks caused by her own inflictions.

No one would notice unless they really looked at her hand, in fact she was surprised Roman didn't when he wrapped it up that night, however he was more focused on the fact that she had bits of glass embedded in her palm.

Josie's eyes traveled from her hand to her bare legs, then flickering to her body in the mirror.

She told Roman she'd go have a nap, when they got home, that was a lie.

She just didn't want to have to talk.

Instead, she went to her room and she took a good, long look in the mirror.

Turning from side to side, she frowned.

These days, she didn't know what to think about herself but she knew she thought of herself as less.

There was pain and hate brewing within her, and it's chosen victim was herself.

Josie pinched at her thighs.

She knew she had gained weight, it was evident in her body and her now reduced stamina, and as she inspected closely, she noticed it in her face too.

She just didn't know how much she gained, or how much more she weighed now.