Thirteen Summers

fifty-eight

JOSIE

He was there when I entered the kitchen.

I froze in place when I saw him.

Kai was stood at the fridge, pulling out ingredients with one hand and scrolling on his phone with the other.

He glanced up briefly and our eyes met, my heart dropped into my stomach.

It must've been for about a second, maybe more before I made myself look away.

I hadn't seen him since that day. The day he found me in the bathroom.

The look on his face when he saw what I was doing haunted me for days, the events of that day seemed to blur together but not that moment.

Not that look.

I hovered by the door before I forced myself to move.

My chest felt tight as I walked into the kitchen like nothing was wrong, like I wasn't the girl he found with her fingers stuck down her throat.

I walked past him and into the pantry, taking a shaky breath once I stepped inside.

My hands shook as I reached for a snack, just a single snack, something small.

I chose a granola bar.

Healthy and sustainable but still tasty. I hoped it was enough to fill that never ending pit in my stomach but just small enough for that urge not to appear.

I made sure to keep my eyes on the floor when I came back out, I nervously twiddled the granola bar between my hands as I walked past him again.

"Is that wise?"

I paused, nerves prickling as he spoke.

Was he speaking to me?

I turned halfway to face him and sure enough, his eyes were flickering between the sandwich he was making and me.

"What?" I asked quietly.

He didn't look at me anymore, instead he looked at what I was holding.

At the granola bar.

"Should you be doing that?"

His tone was casual but his words were layered with something more.

What exactly was he trying to say?

I swallowed before answering, "Doing what?"

Kai scoffed lightly, shaking his head. "Don't play dumb."

I stared at him, my throat felt tight as that familiar lump appeared.

This was the first conversation we'd had since that day and this was how it was gonna go?

"I just..." I started then stopped, trying to get ahold of myself. My voice wobbled as I tried again. "It's just a snack."

Kai looked at me, properly this time. His expression was unreadable, he didn't seem angry, at least not yet.

"And then what?"

The silence between us, after that question, seemed to stretch.

I didn't even know what to say.

"I wasn't—" I took a shaky breath, looking away. "I'm not—"

I couldn't even form a simple sentence.

Kai shook his head, his disappointment felt thick in the air. "Jesus, Josie."

"I wasn't gonna do anything." I whispered, my eyes burned as I looked anywhere but at him.