Thirteen Summers

thirty-three

J O S I E

tw: mentions of self induced vomiting

"Hello? Josie? Are you even listening to me?"

I snapped my head back to face Kiara, who looked disappointed.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I asked, feigning interest.

"You've been like this all day." Molly commented, then nudging me with her shoulder as she jokingly asked, "Are we boring you?"

"No, uh, sorry." I apologised, looking down at my untouched food. "I just don't feel too well."

"We're gonna hang out after school, are you in?" Kiara asked, her face brightening up again.

Did she not hear me when I said I don't feel well? It didn't matter anyway because I still had to go to practice.

"I can't, I have practice. Sorry." I smiled sadly at her.

I don't think I'd have agreed either way, it was too short notice and I wasn't a fan of doing things unexpectedly.

"Oh, that sucks." Kiara muttered, disappointed. "Next time, then."

"Practice for what?" Jade narrowed her eyebrows at me.

"Crosscountry." I reminded her, there was a little pang of hurt that I tried to ignore.

I know I'd mentioned it to them a few times last week and just this morning, I'd told them all how I made the team.

I pushed it away.

I felt hurt because I was on edge today, I knew that.

Things were different now, I could feel it. My siblings sure could, none of them, bar the oldest two, had mentioned my upcoming autism assessment to me.

Remember my tendency to overthink? I believe it was working overtime that day.

I worried that during breakfast, everyone was trying their best to seem calm and normal but really they weren't but I knew how I was, how I often made a mountain out of a molehill.

So yes, it was just a coincidence that Madison had asked twice if I was okay before I left for school that morning.

A coincidence that I felt Kai's stare on me throughout breakfast, that Nick hugged me a little longer before we separated to go to class.

It was all just a coincidence, except it wasn't.

I had hoped it to be but I knew it wasn't because Caleb was the only one who was behaving normally around me.

I was being extra observant so it wasn't hard for me to notice.

I wanted to ignore it but I couldn't deny that it'd been on my mind, among other things, all morning, and even now at lunch.

Unfortunately, I wasn't built like that.

My feelings were heightened and coming back to school today, even though I knew he was gone, I still worried that Mr Byron would be here today.

Quickly, I packed away my food back into my lunch bag and stood up.

All I said to the girls was, "I have to go, I'll see you guys later."

I rushed off before they could ask any questions, making my way out of the cafeteria.

I avoided looking anywhere in the direction of Caleb's table, instead keeping my gaze forward because I knew if he saw how distressed I was, he might come after me and I wanted to be alone right now.