Just As I Am

Eleven

Author's Note

I should have written this in the beginning. This book is not meant to offend anyone so please don't get offended. This book deals with sensitive such as cutting, bullying, eating disorders and depression.

Cutting. This was the way I figured out how to deal with my depression. I always thought that people who cut were deranged or mentally unstable. I mean, what is the point of injuring yourself? I also thought that depression was a bit "weird" but I didn't know how easily one can get depressed and here I was, contemplating cutting as a way to deal with it. I remember that I once saw a girl who was picked on because she cut herself. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with her? Maybe, she's abnormal". It's amazing how things had changed ever since mum died.

I was really close to my mum. You may think that this is strange because most girls are close to their dads and whatnot. There is an exception to every rule and I'm one of those exceptions. My mum was more than a mother to me. She was a friend, a sister, someone I could run to for advice and a good listener. She was everything to me. Now she's gone and I feel like a big chunk of me has been taken away. Sometimes, I couldn't help but think that my dad should have gone instead of her.

I stared down at the razor blade and the sink. Even though everything inside me was telling me not to, I did it. I washed both my arms and wiped them with a paper towel. It stang and hurt but strangely, it felt good. It made me forget about my worries, even if it was only temporary. Even though I knew this wasn't the best way to deal with depression, it was the easiest way, at least for me. Lots of people had done it and it worked for them and so it could work for them. I didn't want to be a workaholic like my dad.

It was weird that I had been in the school for quite some time and still hadn't made any friends. I was no longer the "new girl".Technically, I had made friends with Melissa and her clique but that didn't work out well. Ethan and I became friends. He was easy to talk to and fun to be around.

Our relationship became more and more intimate and before long, we were going out. Soon enough, Ethan began pressuring me to have sex with him but I kept on making excuses. I knew the consequences of pre-marital sex and I didn't want to add those burdens to my life.