Just As I Am

Twenty One

Due to the fact that I had been following doctor's orders, I had gained a huge amount of weight and was back to normal. The doctor assured me that I was at a healthy weight but I knew that he was just saying that to make me feel better.

Word got around about my "situation" and soon, everyone knew about it, including Melissa and her clique. They never got tired of letting me hear about it. I was the talk of the school for quite some time but I knew it would blow over soon.

I don't know why, but Melissa and her clique liked making my day miserable by doing or saying something horrible to me before I left home from school and today was no different.

"I heard about your little "problem". I'm glad you're competitive and you wanted to go to such an extent to beat me but yet again, you failed. You're a failure and will always be a failure, Karen. You shouldn't have even come to school. No one wants you here. No one cares about you", Melissa said, coming closer to me.

I don't know why, maybe it was because of the rumours and everything, but tears welled up in my eyes as Melissa continued talking. I tried to fight them, but they spilled out uncontrollably.

"You're a good for nothing -- Oh! This is priceless! You're actually crying! This is so --wow. Guys, you have to take a picture or a video of this. I don't care, just do it", Melissa ordered.

As soon as she said this, her clique took out their phones and began taking photos and videos.

"You're--you're--not--going--to--get away--with--this--Melissa", I said in between sobs.

"Karen, Karen, Karen. You're not the first person I've done this to and you're not going to be the last. I've gotten away with this many times and this time won't be any different".

The next thing I knew, Melissa and her clique began beating me up. I had gotten so used to it that I could guess the place they were going to hit before they hit that place.

I knew I had to tell someone but there was no one who would be ready to listen to me. Melissa was right. No one cared about me. It would do good to everyone if I didn't exist anymore. I already felt like I didn't exist.

Paula also talked to me about the eating disorder. While we were in the cafeteria, she sat with me at the table. I stared at her blankly.

"Hey, Karen", Paula greeted me warmly.

"Hi", I said, looking at my food.

"I hope you don't mind me asking this, but I've not been seeing you at church lately", Paula told me.

With all the things that had been going on in my life, church was the last thing on my mind.

"I was at church last Sunday", I said.

"Yeah, but you don't come for mid-week service any longer , there was a program about two weeks ago and I didn't see you there and on some Sundays, I don''t see you".

"The fact that you don't see me doesn't mean that I'm not there".

"Yeah, but you're in my Bible study group and sometimes I don't see you when we have Bible study on Sundays. I'm worried about you, aren".

"You don't need to be worried. I'm perfectly fine".

"We both know that's a lie. I heard about your......" Paula trailed off.

"Yeah, i know and apparently, everyone knows about it".

"Karen, I care about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you".

"The only time you seen to care sbout me is when something bad happens to me!" I yelled, knowing that I was creating a scene but I didn't care.

"I tried getting close to you but you pushed me away. I keep trying by talking to you. Doesn't this show you that I care about you?"

"No, it doesn't! If you care about me, you would understand that I don'rt want to talk to you!"

"Karen, I just don't want you committing suicide. I've noticed you've....." Paula began, but I cut her off.

"Stop! Stop it, okay? You think I'm going to commit suicide?"

"I know you have a lot of problems and I know we can overcome them together".

"I don't know what you want from me but I don't want to have anything to do with you! If you really care about me and you understand me, just leave me alone!" I said and ran to the restroom to let my tears out.

I don't know why I cried, but maybe it was just all the emotional stress I was going through.

"I"m sure she did that for attention", I heard a female voice say.

"Yeah, I know right. It was like they were acting! She must rehearsed the lines over and over again to make it perfect", another female voice chipped in.

"She's such a fake. What about that eating disorder thing? I'm sure she did it for attention and she made everything up".

"Yeah, that is so true".

I tried to block out their conversation but that didn't stop the tears from flowing. Why did it feel like the whole world was against me? There was only so much I could take and honestly, this was just too much.