Just As I Am

Fifteen

I reluctantly grabbed my backpack and jumped into the car. I dreaded going to school. I couldn't believe that school had re-opened so quickly. The days had gone by too fast.

School passed by uneventfully. I was surprised to see Dad in the sitting room with an angry expression on his face. Uh oh. This was not good.

"Karen, we need to talk", Dad said, patting the seat next to him.

"Fine:, I said and dropped my backpack on the floor and took a seat next to him.

I couldn't wait for this to end.

"I saw this in your bedroom", Dad said, showing me my report card.

"You got 3 Ds, 2 Es and 2Fs. Karen, I'm disappointed in you. You were doing great before. What has happened?"

"Dad, I promise to work harder", I told Dad what he wanted to hear.

"Things have to change around here. Less time watching tv, less time on the internet and I need you to get a tutor", Dad said, pacing around the room. It was something he did whenever he was stressed.

"Dad. Don't worry. I'll work harder and get my grades up", I said, touching his shoulder gently to calm him down.

Dad seemed happy with my response. I knew that is what he wanted to hear. I also knew how to get my grades up.

I put on the torchlight and immediately, the room lit up. I tiptoed past the security guard who was snoring. I looked left and right to make sure the coast was clear and sat down at the computer. It was for the school's office and contained everything about the school.

One of my friends from the school I had previously attended taught me a few tricks about hacking. I clicked print on the computer and grabbed the paper from the printer. I heard noises and looked quickly for somewhere to hide. I hid under the table. I waited for the voices and sound of footsteps to fade away. I tiptoed past the security guard once again and ran outside, still clutching the paper in my hands.

"Dad, that was the wrong report card. It got all mixed up:, I told Dad and gave him my report card.

"Wow! All As. Honey, I'm so proud of you:, Dad said, giving me a hug.

"I'm really sorry for scolding you. Why didn't you tell me that there was a mix up?" Dad asked me.

:I didn't really get the opportunity to tell you", I replied.

Dad hugged me once again and I was happy, glad that was all over.

Pulling down my long sleeves, I stared blankly at Paula. She wanted us to have a chat, a heart to heart. So here I was, sitting on a bench with Paula right next to me.

"Karen, I've noticed some changes in you recently", Paula said as if she was choosing her words carefully so as not to offend me.

She had already offended me by asking me to have a heart to heart with her.

"And I can only help you only if you are willing to receive that help, Karen", Paula continued.

"You only want to help me because I look like Esther", I said.

"I want to help you because I don't want you to end up in the same way Esther ended up".

"What's the deal with Esther anyway?"

"Esther was a new student like you, Karen. She was bullied by the same people. Melissa and her friends. I don't know a lot but she went through a lot of things and was depressed. She shot herself with a gun. I wanted to help her before that happened but it was too late".

"Are you trying to say that I'm depressed?"

"No. You are being bullied and you're cutting yourself and I want to help you", Paula said, as she pulled up my long sleeves, revealing the scars on my arm.

How did she know this? I stared at her in surprise.

"I deserve it, Paula. I stole her boyfriend".

"No. You don't deserve any of this, Karen. As I told you before, I can help you".

"Help me? I don't need your help, Paula. Why do you even care? You don't know anything about me".

Paula didn't answer me. This was the first time I saw her speechless.

"I knew it. You only want to help me because I look like Esther. You just want to help me so that you won't feel guilty about what happened".

"Karen! That is not true! They're just rumours".

"They're true, Paula. This conversation is over", I said, getting up and leaving Paula alone on the bench.

-------------------------

Paula sighed. The conversation didn't go the way she expected it to. Maybe Karen was right. Was she just helping her so that she would be free from the guilt that was constantly eating her up.

What she didn't tell Karen was that Karen's life was like a replay of what had happened to Esther. The cutting and the bullying. The coldness towards her. Paula knew that she had to continue reaching out to Karen. She wouldn't give up even though Karen was constantly pushing her away.