Just As I Am

Nineteen

Melissa's words rang in my head as I stared at the razor blade in my hand. You're fat. It's not like I didn't notice that I was becoming bigger. I wanted to lose weight and become like Melissa. I wanted to be slim so bad. Okay. Dieting, exercising, eating healthy, blah, blah, blah. I have been hearing this again and again. It would take ages for me to lose weight if I wanted to use that method.

I don't know why, but I eat a lot when I'm stressed. It's what I call "stress eating" and lately, I have had a lot of reasons to be stressed. So I was eating more and more and putting on a lot of weight. I think I knew the best way to lose weight without going through any long procedures.

I wass so undecided as I stared at the three pancakegs on my plate. Should I skip breakfast? One pancake would not cause any haarm. As I dug into my pate, I stopped halfway. No. I had to lose weight. I grabbed my backpack and headed straight outside.

"Karen, aren't you going to eat that?" Dad said, stopping me in my tracks.

Wow. After weeks of giving me silent treatment, was that the first thing my dad could say to me?

"I'm--uh--I'm not hungry", I answered hm.

"Not hungry? Karen, breakfast is the most important meal of the day", Dad told me.

"I'm..I'm fasting", I lied again.

"Oh ok. At least you should drink some water", Dad said, handing me a glass of water.

I gulped it down in a matter of seconds.

"Karen........" Dad began, but I cut him off.

"Dad, I need to go. I'm already late for school", I said and rushed out of the door before he could stop me.

I knew Dad wanted us to talk but I didn't feel ready to have that kind of conversation with him.

I began eating fewer portions of food and on some days, I didn't eat at all. I was making progress. Unfortunately, it didn't last long because before long, I went back to my old ways of stress eating. Okay, time for another plan.

Dieting. I tried so many diers and they didn't work for me. I felt like a failure I still felt fat and looked fat. My clothes became even more tighter. It actually looked like I had gained even more weight instead of losing weight. I couldn't give up. I couldn't let Melissa win. I figured out another way to lose weight.

I flushed the toilet, looking at the contents of my dinner being taken way. I washed my mouth and left the bathroom. Wow. I can't believe I actually did this. I had always mocked people who also did such things but I was finally beginning to understand them.

Finally, I was making progress. I was able to fit into my clothes once more and I was losing weight but I wanted to become slimmer than Melissa and then I could finally beat her. So I threw up more and more and began binge eating also.