Just As I Am

Twenty Three

New resolution. I am not going to be a loner anymore. Even though I'm not much of a social person, I try my best to fit in with some people. Maybe it's too late now but it's better late than never. My attempts to make friends failed. Paula was willing to be friends with me but she was the last person on earth I wanted to be friends with.

I tried sitting with various cliques and groups during lunchtime but as soon as I sat down at their table, the other people stood up to leave. This happened time and time again but I wasn't ready to give up yet. I had another plan.

Usually, I dress up based on my mood or how I was feeling. Lately, I had been feeling depressed so I was wearing dark clothes. I figured that if I acted, dressed or talked like a particular group of people, I would be accepted into that group. So I used my savings to buy clothes and make-up to change my looks. Even though I did all this, most of the groups didn't accept me. It's official. I'm an outsider.

There was one group of people who seemed to accept me, though. Even though I knew I should stay clear from them, I began to spend time with them. They seemed okay, but inside, I knew that wasn't true. Finally, I was not lonely anymore. We were only four in the group. Two boys and two girls. Annie. Keith, Preston and me. We started hanging out and soon became really close.

I was so glad that I had been able to make friends. I felt like I had accomplished something great.
We has these kinds of meetings with every Friday night. I always took a bottle of water or a can of soda while the others took alcohol. They always made fun of me for doing this but honestly, I didn't mind. This earned me the nickname "Water Girl" because they knew I would take a bottle of water when asked what I would drink. All that changed one Friday night.

It was a normal Friday night and we were playing cards when Annie asked what I would drink. Before I could even answer, everyone said "water" in unison and burst into laughter.

"Why don't you try something different? One glass of wine won't hurt", Keith said.

I don't know what came over me that night. Maybe it was because of all the pressure or because I was tired of the teasing but I found myself saying, "Sure, why not? I'll take a glass of wine".

"Sure. Coming right up", Annie said and headed towards the kitchen.

In a few minutes, Annie came back with everybody's drinks. She gave me mine and everyone gulped theirs in a few seconds while I stared at the glass I was holding.

I slowly brought it to my mouth, not sure what to expect. I expected something sugary and sweet, but it was bitter. I quickly resisted the urge to spit out the disgusting liquid, not wanting to be laughed at.

In what seemed like hours, I finished the whole glass. I half-expected to throw up, but I didn't. I knew I was in the wrong crowd but I badly wanted friends. I didn't want to be a loner anymore. Anyway, how bad could it be? They were really quirky and fun and made me laugh a lot. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged and I wanted to continue feeling that way for a very long time.