Just As I Am

Twenty Eight

I heard voices but I couldn't recognize them. I tried to talk, but my throat felt dry. I tried to open my eyes but my eyelids felt like lead. They were too heavy. Soon, I felt myself drifting to sleep.

Good. Finally, I can get my eyes to open. I found myself staring at a white ceiling. Where am I? What happened? I looked around and I just took me a few minutes to realize I was in a hospital. The rom smelt of disinfectant and there was white in a lot of places. White walls, white chairs and I was even wearing a white hospital gown.

I needed to get out of here. How long had I been here and what was I doing here? I needed to get up so I could talk to someone. I tried to get up but I felt so weak. I was determined not to give up so I used every ounce of strength in me to get up. I was able to sit up, but it didn't last long. I was flat on the bed once again. I saw Dad sitting next to me. His head was bowed down so I guess he was asleep.

I recognized Paula's voice. Then, I heard a squeal and more voices.

"I...need...water", I said feebly.

I felt the refreshing cold liquid going down my throat. I didn't know that water could taste this sweet.

Over the next few weeks, I began eating and regained my strength. Still, I was wondering why I was in the hospital and how long had I been here? When I was finally allowed to have visitors, Dad was the first person to visit. At last, I was able to sit up so I sat up with Dad sitting close to my bedside.

He looked tired, like he hadn't had enough sleep. His eyes were red and puffy. It looked like he had been crying. Why had he been crying? Did someone die? We sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until I had enough. I had to break the silence and I had so many unanswered questions.

"What happened?" I asked Dad.

"You...you attempted suicide", Dad answered coolly, which surprised me.

When he said the word "suicide", everything came rushing back. Dad screaming and me falling to the ground.

"What happened after that?" I asked again.

"I called the ambulance and you were rushed to the hospital. The doctors put you in a chemically induced coma to get the pills out of your blood system. The doctors weren't sure you would make it but I knew you would. You're a fighter, just like your mum", Dad said and started tearing up and so did I.

I knew I couldn't stop the tears so I didn't hold them back.

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain".

"I'm sorry too. I didn't know that you really wanted me to spend time with you. I didn't know how you felt about everything".

"Did you read the letter and did Paula read hers?"

"Yes, I did. Paula also read hers. I also read your diary".

"You read my diary? I thought.. I thought someone else took it".

"Yeah, I read it. I wanted answers and we weren't talking to each other so that was the easiest way".

"So you read everything?"

Dad nodded.

"And I forgive you for everything".

"I also forgive you, Dad", I said and impulsively, gave him a hug.

To my surprise, he hugged me back.

"I love you so much, Karen. I may not like or approve of what you did but that won't change the fact that I love you".

Tears started pouring out of my face and it wasn't because I was sad. They were tears of joy because it was at 16 years old that I remembered my dad telling me that he loved me.

"I love you too, Dad", I said and we just sat there hugging each other.

Then and there, I knew without a doubt that this was the start of a brand new and different relationship with my dad.

Later in the afternoon, Paula came to visit me. She was happy to see me. I dreaded the conversation we were about to have. If Dad had read my diary, I'm sure Paula had also read it. I was prepared for the scolding she would give me.

"Hey, Karen", Paula said, handing me a plate of potato salad.

"Hi. Thanks", I said, grabbing the plate from her.

"How are you feeling?" Paula asked me.

"Much, much better", I replied.

"You really scared me".

"I'm sorry".

"I totally understand".

"I'm sure you also read my diary".

"What? No! I didn't! I wouldn't want anyone to read my diary so I wouldn't read someone else's diary".

I nodded.

"How long have I been here?"

"About two months, I think".

"Two months?! What about school?"

"The school knows about everything. After you've been discharged, you'll do all the schoolwork you have missed. Don't worry. I'll help you with your schoolwork".

"I'm sure it's a lot".

"Yeah, but when we work together, we'll get it done really quickly".

"You're always so positive".

"Yeah. What do you think about coming to church when you're discharged?"
"Church? I don't think church's for me, Paula".

"What do you mean by that?"

"You don't know what I've done, Paula. I'm just too dirty for church. You, you're perfect. It's easy for you to go to church. You don't know the guilt that is weighing on me.

"I'm not perfect, Karen but do you know what? I'm not a Christian because I'm broken and in need of a Saviour and I have accepted the Saviour and you need to do that too, Karen".

"Okay, okay. I'll think about it".

"Good. I guess I have to leave now".

"Okay. Bye".