I woke up to a cold bed.
I hate mondays.
At least i have no school today. Still.
I hate mondays.
I have a feeling inside me that i am trying to work out but it is just too..... Confusing.
I know i love Cody but i think i might love Braxton and i think i don't love Cody like i could kiss him. He reminds me of Kendly or Steven. But i do love him. Sometimes i just want to squeeze his bum but i also want to have him at all of my family reunions. (If there was any family left to have a reunion.) i feel like i might be falling back into love with Braxton but at the same time but i don't want to. I want to love Cody. Cody is so sweet and he treats me right and Braxton is so close but he betrays me. Who am i? Im not this scandalous! Who am i supposed to be with?? I guess i have no choice if we cant find Cody. But i know my heart will never give up.
After getting completely lost in my complicated thoughts, my dad knocked on my door, stirring my emotions.
"The police called." He said oddly calm.
I expected him to be super excited. Excited for me or for his soon-to-be son.
I jumped up out of the bed and leaped across the floor until i was practically kneeling at his feet.
"What'd they say?"
"They said that they found Cody but he is in intense care."
"WHERE? WHY?"
"well, it turns out that he had run away from the hospital in the middle of all of the confusion there was with the gunman. He didn't even know what had happened until he saw it in the news a couple days later in a cafe."
I was speechless so my father continued to explain.
"He tried looking for you. He finally just lost energy and passed out. When the shop owner found him behind their store, he hadn't eaten in at least two to three days."
"Thats impossible! He has only been lost for a day and a half."
"They say it was longer since he had eaten. It was a while since he had drunk anything also. He probably lost consciousness because of the dehydration."
"When can we see him? Can we drive to the hospital?"
"I have to go to work honey, I'm sorry! But i will take you as soon as i get home!"
"No dad! Please! I have to get him! I love him! Please dad, i cant betray him!"
"Doesn't one of your friends have a car?"
"No! Dad, we are in eighth grade!"
"Didn't that Steven kid get held back a grade?
"I know he looks stupid, but no dad. He is just as smart as me. Maybe even smarter. But thats not the point! I need to see Cody!"
"Honey, I'm sorry! I really have to go to work! I cant miss another day!"
"DAD! YOU NEVER MISS ANY DAYS! I HATE YOU!!! YOU DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT ME OR MY FEELINGS!"
Even though i didn't mean it completely, i couldn't keep myself from saying it. I saw tears well up in my fathers eyes but he kept them locked with mine.
"Get out!" I screamed at him.
I was not about to back down.
His emotions were beginning to flood him. This scared me because he normally remained pretty steady.
As i pushed him out and locked my door i cried as hard as i could. I hate myself. I ALWAYS mess everything up!
I sat there in a puddle of my tears for at least a couple of minutes. Probably three, when i decided to go apologize. I don't know what has gotten into me.
But when i tiptoed down the stairs, shaking, he had already left for work. I tried dialing his phone and he didn't answer. I didn't mean what i said. I knew he did his best to raise me and to contain his losses. He only works for me. If it wasn't for me, he would probably be homeless somewhere on the streets. As i bartered with myself about what to do, my phone began to buzz.
"What do you want me to do jules? Quit?"
His voice was forceful but sad.
"No dad! Im sorry! I really didn't mean it!"
"I don't know what else to do honey! I am doing the best that i can! You know that we are barely getting by don't you! You must! Even though i do my best to hide every worry and every bill, its hard! My life is ruined and i only want to keep that from happening to yours."
"Im sorry dad." I said in-between sniffles.
"Im really sorry."
"Its ok honey. I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Please just forget i said that to you. I wish with all of me that i hadn't. Please."
~~seven hours later~~
I had waited for my father to get home from work all day long. I hadn't eaten a thing. I wanted to be just as hungry and Cody when we ate dinner together. While waiting, i laid on my bed reading a stupid teenage girly magazine i got a couple years ago for my birthday. It was from my aunt. That was before she disappeared. I was listening intently though for the turn of the door knob or the insertion of the key. For a while i had listened to music but now that it was close to time when my father arrived, i wouldn't risk not hearing it. I didn't want to spare a second. I decided to go on downstairs and slip on my coat and sandals. Both were old but they still fit and that is all that matters. I rested my head against the hall and closed my eyes. Im coming for you Cody. Im coming.
