My Life: Day by Day

April 23, 2013

Dear Diary,

Well, my life is shit now. I would've updated yesterday, but I was in soooo much trouble I didn't DARE go on my computer or phone, otherwise they might have taken them away from me. And you probably want to know why, huh? Well, let me explain..........*clears throat and flips open a book*

Once Upon a Time......*throws book aside*

THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE!

so anyway, yesterday I was going out to the buses like normal, but when I tried to find my bus, it wasn't in the spot it usually was. So of course I race around like a maniac to find it, but it wasn't there. Seriously, it went all ninja on me. So of course, I finally find my bus...when it was driving away. *faceplam* Of course, then I have to call my dad and I tell him I'll be in the school library with my friends. And we hang out and study for a while, and then we go to my county (yes, county) library. But of course, I freaking forget to call my dad to tell him that I moved, so when he calls me asking me where I am, I freaking panic. Because I had totally forgotten to tell him and I thought he was going to yell the crap out of me and take away everythign I loved. So of course, in my panic I lie to him to not get in trouble. But he caught me in my lie because I told him I was at the school library....and he was already there.

Yup, smart move L. It's not my fault! I have literally diagnosed myself with 'compulsive lying'. Like literally, sometimes I'll lie about the most random things, it's not even funny. Like one time, my friend asked me my favorite flavor of cupcake and at the time I think it was chocolate? So I was about to tell her and suddenly my mouth just says "Strawberry." Hell, is there even a strawberry flavored cupcake? And then she says, "why?" and I try to explain and I'm like "No, sorry I like chocolate." And then my lying side comes out again and says "Ha, I'm just kidding, I like strawberry." And she walks away like I'm a freak. So yeah....I HATE MYSELF!! RAWR! I got to find some medicine......is there a medicine to stop compulsive lying? 

So anyway, of course, I eventually tell him where I am. I was just waiting for my dad to pick me up, and then I have this plan to just apologize and everythign would be jolly and nice, right? But then Debbie shows up. Freaking hell. And she starts yelling at me about how I'm a stupid fuck for lying, and that I'll never live up to my parents expectations. Random crap like that. And then worse, Henry shows up, and he almost never shows up with Debbie. So now I got a screechign banshee in my head along with the growling demon who keeps saying that I'm worthless. That's it, all he said was that i was worthless. But for some reason, it really made me feel worthless.

So instead of apologizing to my dad, I stay silent in the car with my earbuds in my ear turned all the way up. It literally killed my eardrums, but I didn't care becasue it helped to drown out Debbie. But I couldnt' shake away Henry's voice. I was going to start crying in the car, like literally. So I just get home and rush upstairs and turn my boombox up all the way and keep my earbuds on and cover my head with my pillow. I just lay there trying to ignore everything. I pratically didn't move, I only moved to write on my arm.

Oh, I've never explained it before, have I? If you've ever read my book 'Stand Up', you would. But you're a diary, so of course you wouldn't. Let's just say that writing helps me to let my emotions out, but I dont' want to leave scars on my body because my parents notice small details like that. So waht I do is I write with sharpie on my shoulder. I write the words that affect me the most. Fat. Ugly. Mistake. Worthless. Stupid. Unloved........Unloved and Worthless, the words I hate the most.

I think I ended up falling asleep, because the next thing I knew my mom was waking up me, and demanding that we all talked. So we talked, and I explained what happened and yadda yadda and they were saying how they should be able to trust me. But I know they don't ever trust me, so whatever. Honestly, I didn't really pay attention to what they were saying. I was trying to block out Debbie, who had come back. My parents, of course, didn't let me wear earbuds when we were talking so I had a full blown dose of Debbie and Henry. I couldn't hear Angel at all, which made me sad. So i ended up looking like a freak because when I start to have a panic attack, I usually start to fiddle with random objects. So I ended up opening and closing the cap on a sharpie pen....yup. And my parents thought I was being a freak or something. But whatever.

The talk ended, my parents "forgave" me, and I ran back to my room to get my music. But my mom made me go do chores and homework, which would have been fine....except my mom wouldnt' allow me to listen to my music. So I started having a mini panic attack and kept fiddlign with my hands because I didn't have anything for them to do. My mom noticed I wouldn't stop fidgeting and she accused me of using drugs. I almost burst out laughign at that, but I was too distracted by Debbie. Still, I have no idea why she thought I was doing drugs. Even if she doens't trust me, she should know by now that I wouldnt' in HELL do drugs, unless medicinally of course :P

Then I had to reassure her I wasn't doing drugs, and then she asked if I needed a psychiatrist. In which I finally hear Angel for the first time that whole day, but all she screams is 'YES!" And of course, me being me, i told my mom no. Like hell I want a psychiatrist. I have panic attacks all the time, it's fine. Besides, I dont' want to be a freak. My life is already hard enough as it is, I sreiously don't need to be bullied for being a freak and making it worse.

So yesterday was pretty much crap, and I didn't talk to anyone. I jsut kept my head down and never talked. I expected today to be the same, minimal talking, just looking at the ground and minding my own business. But no, my body decides to fuck wiht me because I couldnt' stop freaking smiling and laughing . Like seirously, I would be laughign and smiling at random things. I saw a chair and laughed. Inside, I was broken and depressed and I just wanted to be alone. But I couldn't stop smiling and laughing and being all happy. Is this normal? Do you normally have a high moment when you're depressed? I dont' know, and I'm too lazy to look it up.

I knew it was bad when I was updating my 'Stand Up' story today, and the main character Tiffany in my story was beat up and pratically dies. And I just laughed at it.........I can't beleive myself.

Oh great, 10 seconds ago I was smiling like an idiot. And now I'm all depressive again. CURSE YOU HORMONES!!!!!!!!!!!!! and no, I'm not on my period :P

I hear police sirens.

Am I crazy? Would I be diagnosed as crazy? Or depressed?

I need to go to bed......I'm probably going to have my normal insomnia tonight again. If I do, I'll explain why tomorrow.

I really need to update this more. This actually helps me with my emotions...sortof. It's more like evidence I'm crazy if police ever scavenge through my life.

Smiling while hurting,

L