My Life: Day by Day

June 18, 2013

Dear Diary,

I have never felt so pathetic in my life.

My life, in all honesty, is pretty good. I have a good home, I live in a good neighborhood, I have a couple friends that I think I can trust to have my back, I have never been bullied, I have never been put down, and honestly everything bad that I complain about is what I bring upon myself, and I can live with that.

No.....that's wrong. I should rephrase.

I have never been physically bullied. And most of the bad stuff I complain about is what I bring upon myself.

But I can't live with that. I should be able to, but I can't.

The only things I really want in my life, is love and a support system. But I never feel like I have it. Ever.

I should though, right? I have family. I have parents. I have friends. I should have it all.

But friends....they're gone. All my friends are leaving. No.....all my best friends are leaving me. I'm alone now. I have "friends", but I don't know if I could tell them all of this. Tell them in person everything I write on here. hell, I don't even know how I could tell everybody who reads this this.

As for my family.......

I have a pretty standard family. A dad, a mom, and a brother. My dad is an engineer at Boeing. My mom is a radiation therapist at UW Medical Center. My younger brother is a normal, middle school-going-into-high-school student. To anybody looking through the glass, we look like a normal loving family.

But I'm pretty sure you guys get by now that it's not what it seems.

My dad is nice, I guess. I know he loves me, and that he cares. But he's so absorbed with his work, or his latest Netflix television show, and he honestly spends about 98% of his time in his room when he comes home. I never see him.

My brother...well, obviously I hate him. He's a younger brother for gods sakes. He's annoying, a jerk, and we never have had the best relationship. We're definitely closer than to our parents, but we would never trust each other with stuff. I know I wouldn't with him.

My mother.......I'm not sure I even want to call her that anymore.

She makes me feel so pathetic.

I thought I could take it. I thought she was just doing whatever a mom was supposed to do.

Yes, she made me feel fat, by putting me on so many diets, by making me exercise constantly, by withholding so much food I feel like my stomach is going to rip itself out. But I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I just thought she wanted the best for me. So I ignored it.

She made me feel ugly, by making me use so many skin products. By not letting me wear what I want, being sweats and hoodies. She constantly buys me girly clothes, and gives me clothes I would never wear. She makes me wear all these face masks and constantly washing my face. But I know she doesn't want to be embarrassed by her ugly daughter, she wants to make a good impression on all her asian friends. I know that, so I put up with it.

The only thing that I took comfort in was that throughout this whole time, at least I was still me, on the inside.

But what do you do when your mom wants you to change your personality?

I was watching some of my favorite TV shows- NCIS, and Criminal Minds. I think you guys all know that I am a huge fangirl, and I literally drool over actors like Reid, and Dinozzo. So of course, everytime they did something cute, I would squeal and wave my arms like a maniac and laugh. You know, normal fangirl stuff.

Then my mom started criticizing me, about how I shouldn't laugh like that. At first I thought she meant my volume, because yes I admit I have a loud laugh. So as hard as I was, I laughed a lot quieter.

Then she starts yelling at me about how she told me to stop laughing like that. She said my laugh was weird, and that I should laugh normally.

I was laughing normally.

Laughter....it's one of the things that makes me me. It's one of the only things that I like about myself. Yes, it's loud. Yes, it might sound a little weird. But it means I'm happy. It honestly is one of the best things I like about myself.

It hurt more than it should've. I dont' want to change my laugh. I like my laugh.

Even if I wanted to change my life, how could I? How can you literally change a laugh? Is there eve na way?

Then she started yelling at me about how I should act more mature, and stop being so weird, waving my arms around and squealing like a 5 year old.

I hadn't watched television in.......over a year? During the school week, my parents don't let me watch television at all. I felt like I could have a day of fan-girling.

Even so, it was me. It's who I am.

But apparently my mom doesn't like that.

She doesn't like me.

She doesn't like anything about me.

I can't do anything right, can I?

Too broken to cry,

L