My Life: Day by Day

August 29, 2013

Dear Diary,

I'm done. I'm just done. I barely have the will to write this right now, but I have to.

I feel so depressed. I feel so....weird. I feel numb. I feel like I'm laughing my head off. I feel like I should cry. I feel like I should throw up. I feel like I'm going to faint.

I'm not sure why it hit me so hard today, but I feel terrible. Not in the way that makes me sick or anything, just like "I want to die"

Do I have depression? Is this a "teenage angst" thing? I don't know...and I don't think I'll ever find out.

I've lost motivation for anything. At first it was writing, but I didn't think anything about it. At first I loved to write, but then I kind of lost interest. I do this with pretty much anything I'm interested in- I'll love it, then be bored with it, then go "meh" with it later. Like I said, I didn't think anythign about it.

Then I started losing interest in singing. That scared me. I can't even remember when I started singing. Writing and singing pretty much became my life, and I had already lost one. I didn't have anything anymore. I listened to so much music- hell, I'm listening to music right now. I want to sing so bad, but it's like I can't. I can speak, and if I forced myself I could sing. But I feel like if I tried I was going to cry. I just absolutely didn't want to sing....no, I DON'T want to sing. At all.

And now I've lost the will to live. This makes me sound suicidal, but I promise I'm not going to kill myself. it's more like....I've just lost the motivation to do anything. I dont' want to move, I dont' want to stay still. I don't want to write, but I dont' want to not do anything. I don't want to listen to music, or silence.

Pretty much all I'm doing is drinking water and playing minesweeper over and over. I guess the repitition soothes me a bit. But I can't concentrate on anything, and I'm so jittery I keep hitting the wrong buttons, knocking stuff over, and shaking the table. I just want to...dissapear.

I feel terrible. I can't speak, I can barely move, how am I even writing this? I guess it's cuz I feel obligated to tell you guys.

I'm going on a break from Wattpad.

I've lost everything. I can't write, I can't make ideas, I just can't do anything. I don't want to write crap stories with crap ideas just to update. I write and update when I want to, when I have the idea. Now I don't have anything, and I hate that. So unless I have an obligation I promised myself/others I'd do, I'm pretty much quiting Wattpad for a while.

Maybe I'll get better tomorrow. Maybe I'll get better next week, or maybe it'll take till next month. But I'm pretty much taking a break.

I can't even talk to anybody anymore. I'm staring at my notificaiton bar, because I have 2 PMs, probably from my friends- I wouldn't know. I can't motivate myself to check. I dont' want to talk to anybody, I can't.

I can't even write this anymore. I'm done. I'll just update Free and Stand Up and just leave. I'll go force myself to do stuff, probably repetitive stuff. I don't know.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

And I dont' even know why I'm saying this, but I'm sorry. To everybody reading this. I'm sorry.

- L