One In A Million

Chapter 47

31/12/2014 - Chicago

I had decided to spend the new year's eve celebration alone, though Jesse attempts to get her celebrating with him and Lorna at the police station (meeting fest room and with other of the police team colleagues. To focuss in silence on the recent series of dramatic events which stroke me out, to end that horrible year alone, and start the new one alone, that's what I needed, loneliness.

Not even that cold icy wind nor those thick snow flakes could have stop me to go out, nothing would scap my plan, nothing. I had my body well warmed with a thick sweater, and a long zip hoodie coat, winter boots to keep my foot warm, and drank two hot chocolate on my way to the city center where I wandered for about an hour. I admired at all those beautiful twinkle lights, and this giant Christmas tree they had decorated near the city hall garden. During my stroll, I constantly thought of the wonderful moments 2014 had been filled with, new life in Dortmund, a job although it was a crappy one, Ibiza, my friends, and above all Marco, the boy who brought out the best of me and made me feel alive every seconds of a day. The day our eyes met, I knew my life would not been the same again. But this year had not been made only with happiness, the worst of my nightmare came to the reality, something I thought was a part of my dark past, something I thought I got rid of. Much recalls emerged from my mind as I kept walking. Michael broke my dreams, made my life a hell of living, and turned my happiness into a bitter taste, he made me feel as if I was the most horrible person ever. Because of him, I lost everything that were dear to my heart.
IHe made my life a hell of, to the point that I hated myself with an unstoppable eager. So many times I came up with that idea of putting an end to my agony and miserable life, that I would feel better at living in another world. I had no reasons to keep this broken life of mine alive, I had no strength enough to fight it up, alone. Michael should have killed me already, to finish his job so I wouldn't had to live with that constant pain on my heart, it definitely would hzve been easier for me. Some nights when I couldn't find sleep, I had imagined of committing my very own suicide, what would be the easiest way to do so, but never was able to end of building up my plan, as if an unseen power was restraining me to do that.

Perhaps that it was a sign coming from above, from the heaven as I have been praying god asking him to showing me the right path, and to get me out of this infernal torment. Perhaps it was a miracle. Also, I had this little voice whispering in my head always "Don't even try don't even try." So, after a while (long period), that's what I did, I worked out my mind to detach that bad idea off my head, and saught up thoroughly down my soul what I thought had faded forever, my strength. I still got a remain of it, so I held tight at it, day and night, no matter how painful was my sadness. Every day I said to myself that this monster would pay for all the hurt he did to me, how his sins would lead his downfall to hell, the only place he belonged to. He had to pay for everything, he had to. I knew I had to reconstruct myself even though it was going to be a hard phase, with the hope of coming back among my loved ones, and going back to Germany.

I reached a crowded Chicago Grand Park, to be honest I was kinda surprised, I expected that people would rather stay at home, celebrating with their families or friends. I rambled a few more meters, my eyes sighting for a bench, but not one was free, anyway it didn't matter, as long as I would be able to enjoy the fireworks, in addition the place where I was standing at was really nice, so yeah. I grabbed my phone out from my bag and snapped some pictures, including a selfie. I tried my best to smile although it looked out to be mission impossible. A weird grimace expression formed on my face seeing how bad the selfie I took looked. "Okay lets give it another try" I mumbled enthusiastically trying to find the right angle. The flash wasn't required as the park lamps gave enough of brightness to the pic. After my finger pressed the snap button, I checked the result immediately, which looked out to be better than the previous one, or perhaps I'd post it to my Instagram later. I stared a bit all around me, seeing only happiness and amusement floating in that cold air warmed up my heart, but definitely couldn't fill up that emptiness dig into there. I sighed heavily, starring at these youngsters throwing some snow balls at each others, which made me recall of last year, when I spent my Christmas and new year's celebration with my family, Sophia in Berlin, the crazy things we did, our snow fights, gosh, how I was missing all of that.