One In A Million

Chapter 53

"Foolish, ignorant, brainless were among the many words I looked for to sketch myself, but none of these seemed to have enough of weight. [BROOKE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF, THAT HE WOULD HAVE SMILED AT YOU, NO WAY!!] How could he even gave me a simple second of his attention, having his gaze on me just for a second, it was so impossible. And for nothing at all I could blame him for that. It was my price to pay for the entire pain I caused him, I got what I deserved anyway. His frigy stony look when he realized of my undesired presence, a total lack of sympathy, nothing, I didn't exist to him. Marco had already probably pressed the (delete) button about me, I wasn't anything to him anymore, likely as our memories. It had gone, been washed away.
In spite his acrimony towards me, I still got that idea of doing what had to be done, that was to finally telling him the whole truth about me, Marco had the claim right to know everything. It won't matter if my revelations would ease him off, or cool down his anger at me, or worse my case, this wasn't the aim of it, it nothing of that, I just had to tell him, no matter what. This secret with guilt was weighing too much on my conscience, I had to gut it off. This was probably one of the reason I couldn't close my eyes on last night, my mind bothered by this growing guilt, sorrows, a composition of negative ideas. I couldn't keep it going like this, I had to put an end to this agony. Dying a little bit more every day wasn't what I wanted anymore."

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12/03/2015

"Overcome your fucking nervousness...." I grinned in between my teeth as I grabbed my ringing phone from the pocket of my bag. Kaylee might had been calling for tenth time, but my act of rejecting the call had turned more to an automatic motion. I was conscious of the source of problem I was for her, she might even called the police seeing that I was not home. But I couldn't, I needed to stay focus on my only target. Once again, I pressed the reject button with some confidence, then starred around me, looking at the bunch of people having a walk at the Phoenix See. They breathed with happiness, smiling at each others, while me, sitting on that bench, moping around, and thinking out on what I did, mostly, on the reasons I didn't achieved my desired aim, what didn't work out. Oh yes I had the answer "ME". After having portrayed the role of a pathetic liar for a while ago, my role changed to a stalker, yes, a fucking creep stalker.

I stare at the marina, appreciating the cold wind brushing my face, gosh. I never liked the cold winter season, how could this even be happening, seriously, something was so wrong with me. Was I beyond hopeless to experience such of drastic changes in my behavior. Perhaps the time had urgently come for me to get some psychological support, oh damn. I had a self diagnose for my emotional state in the precise name of depression, I was just scared to open about it with a psychologist, and probably having medication to help me out, the hell no, wasn't even an option A huge mental work would have to be done on me, but I wanted to help by myself, to do it on my own, and the first step of the therapy consisted to apologize to Marco. Even Though of the high possibility of not obtaining his mercy, I was conscious that, talking to him was the start of this process.

But was stalking him that way was really that smart. Well, at the very start, my intention wasn't to act so or what so ever. Before seven, I have been standing, or hiding behind this huge tree metres away from his house entry portal, I knew he had some training, and Marco always left his house by thirty past seven. Fully charged with self confidence, I Had set in my mind with the perfect scheme, me, going to ring at his door, trying to keep this guenine smile on my face, that Marco would listen to me, my guilt would swept off that easy. Among all my princess reverie, there was this details that I counted out, this dark dot that I wrongly calculated, this horrible and rare tightness, that caught me by surprise, something I wasn't anticipating. I was perfectly prepared to face it all, like my life was depending on this face to face. But I guessed I was so wrong, as nothing happened. My fear made my feet stuck to the ground, unable to make a movement, unable to cross the road and to reach Marco's door. As if, my body was frozen. All I could do was to keep myself hidden behind this big tree, and stalking the surroundings, wondering if this was a perfect idea to come here. I had self questioned myself so many times "what if I never get to relate him the truth, imposed to live with that continuous stress on my chest, afterall, what could I expect, salvation doesn#t exist for bad people. A result from the consequences of my acts."