One In A Million

Chapter 57 Part 1

15/04/2015

"Marco's POV"

"I don't know which the worse between these two situation, Jurgen's astounding announcement that he is going to leave the team at the end of this season, fuck.... or my impotent inability at dealing with my emotions, mostly my behavior lately. I still have to figure out what is the worse. Fuck, I feel like my shoulders are carrying the dramas of the entire nation. And honestly I don't know for how long I'm going to endure such situation.

Each day, this torment is feeding on my vital energy, leaving me hopeless, exhausted, and devoid of meaning. What is going on with me. I wanna be the old myself, the Marco who used to laugh every day at any silly jokes, the Marco who is full of energy, where has he gone. I'm dreadfully worn out of the man I became, tired of the this whole thing, tired of this dark anger driving me mad. I'm having no more control on my own emotions, what the fuck. There is something hiding into the deepest of me, something of dark and evil, an invisible force that is continually enticing me to experience to the most dirtiest temptations. This thing is draining me both mentally and physically. I have to fight against this entity with all of my strength, but there are days I'm no longer able to stand, and that is where it happens, where this evil thing drives me crazy, where my weakness is fully at his mercy. I wish I could get rid of it, but it's been there at the moment the woman I ever loved the most left me on my own, the day my world fell apart. It started with all of the emotions I have kept inside, an accumulation of the violence I hold against her and myself. This dark anger is still there inside of me, still going on, I can feel it running into my blood, I feel it under my flesh, my bones. There is not a day that I question myself "why brooke, why...", as if a sort of pity twist on my mind, while the day after fury invades me. Am I turning schizophrenic, is it an identity disorder, gosh what the heck is going on with me. Sinful temptations are always forthcoming to me, the more I'm feeding on them, the more I'm getting bored much easily as if they were tasteless pleasures.

"What should I do. I'm constantly thinking on solutions to get me out of that sinful world. I have thoroughly think on Marcel's speech concerning my attitude, he's so right, and i'm so wrong. I can't keep at throwing myself into this style of life, girls, sex, me only has the ability to put an end. But how?
Marco is right on another point, Brooke, the real matter is her, her and her. I had thought that she would be easily forgettable, well in a certain way. She is constantly in my thoughts, day and night, it's more like turning to an obsession. Why do am I experiencing this heaviness on my chest, close to pain. Why I feel like hundredths of knives are stabbing my back, why my consciousness isn't at peace. So many why unanswered. Yes, I do feel a certain guilt for not having give her the chance to explain, yes I'm admitting it. But something is holding me back to hear from her, that heavy pain, the pain of the heartbreak, the worst ever. The deep wrath is holding back any compassion towards Brooke. Back then the day she left, my heart has been bleeding non stop. Some friend and people I know just said not to worry, that I'll come across another woman, even better than Brooke. Seriously, which woman is better than her. She has the kindest golden heart, genuine, is so real, amazing, simple, not seeking for money or any fame. I even wondered how lucky I've been to have her by my side. So why did she hurt me that way. Why??

Will I ever get over this? Will this pain continuously strike on me.

And relating to Papa Kloppo announcement, well, I'm absolutely speechless, even more gutted when I have been informed that some boys have already been informed about this major news. I came to learn that Mats has been the first to get into the confidence, and the wave of shock has been hard for him to handle. It is said that Jurgen and Mats spent nearly two hours in the meeting room at debating the subject, also that Mats has cried hot tears all along the conversation, holy fuck.