Monolouges and Rants

My story

((Trigger warning!! Parts about depression, self harm, self hatred, and talk about suicide.))

My story

When I was young, I was carefree.
Life was my endless playground.
Everyone was a friend I hadn't met yet.
Life was great.
But that only lasted for my childhood..
As I grew, people grew to be cruel.
I began to be bullied and broken down.
I tried to not let it get to me.
But it didn't work.
My family told me to just ignore it but I couldn't bring my self to.
So I just smiled to not worry them.
It worked for the most part.
Until...
Until I met people who made that smile real.
I became genuinely happy again.
They helped me stand up for myself.
At the time, it felt like a miracle.
What I didn't knew was that alongside that happiness, I grew into someone I hated.
I noticed my behavior and began to hate myself.
Every time I'd see my reflection, I'd want to break it.
I didn't want to see her.
She wasn't me.
She was the person I feared most.
She was the demon I never wanted to be.
She started destroying me again.
She changed me into her.
I was scared.
That developed into depression.
I couldn't handle the fact that I had become the one person that destroyed me over the years.
She filled my mind with thoughts of death.
She pushed my friends away and forced me into a void of loneliness.
She made me feel as if everyone wanted to harm me.
I look back and still feel the emotional scars that she caused.
She pushed me to my breaking point.
With a blade to my neck and a note in my hand, I was ready to die.
She manipulated my mind to believe that I'd be free from the pain.
I was ready to vanish.
I was ready to be happy again.
I was ready to end it all.
But, something stopped me.
Her taunting voice vanished and was replaced with another.
The voice was the voice of reason.
The voice of God.
He told me I mattered.
He told me that people cared.
He showed me a glimpse of what would happen if I ended it.
I saw my friends in pain and agony.
I saw my family broken and suffering.
I saw everyone I cared for destroyed my my death.
I was heartbroken at their suffering.
He told me my purpose was to be there for people.
To help people like myself live and become happy again.
I was to be an example of that.
I finally understood.
I finally understood why I was here.
And I was so happy.
I mattered.
People cared.
I accepted my purpose.
I accepted my fate.
As a reward, I was shown how my choice would impact people.
He showed me just how happy my life will be.
He told me my life would still be rough.
But the results of my prevail would be something to be in awe of.
He gave me hope back.
I learned many things about my gifts.
I learned I may not be able to save the world.
But I have the power to become someone's world.
That made me so happy.
Years passed and I saw my gift become more prevalent.
It blossomed into something I'm proud to share.
My gift has helped more people than I would have thought back then.
I think back constantly to that life.
The life that she ruled.
And I feel proud.
Proud that I over came her control.
Proud that I didn't end it.
If I did, so many people would have suffered.
In return to almost destroying the people i care most for,
I strive to take their suffering for them and help them overcome it.
Sure it hurts me sometimes, but I don't care.
It might hurt, but I could be helping them more than I could imagine.
So I put my thoughts and needs behind.
The people I love always come before me.
They are my world.
If something were to happen to them, I couldn't live with myself knowing I didn't help.
I'd likely fall back into her captivity.
When I hear stories about people who lost the battle with their demons, I almost cry.
I think about that I could have been one of them.
It scares me, but I also appreciate life more.
I appreciate the life God showed me the path to and am more than grateful for him.
That thought that I could be in 6 feet underground dead right now, scares me.
But I will never let that happen again.
This is my life.
And even though it can be painful,
I wouldn't change it for the world.