Monolouges and Rants

A glimpse into my past

(( a bit of a warning, I cover some messed up stuff that's happened in my life. I know it's not as bad as others but it still is painful to me.

If suicide and other sensitive topics trigger you, please read with caution or don't read at all. That's all the warning I'll give.

Please read with caution. ))

I'd like to tell you all about my life.
About my family and past relationships.
About my depression and panic attacks.
About my past and how it's affected me.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

My life was normal and happy up until middle school.
7th grade to be exact.
Before then, I was innocent and naive.
Blinded by my own little world to see what life really was.
My innocence was broken by quite a few people.
Friends and past lovers destroyed me and warped me.
I went from innocent to corrupted in only a few months.

When I realized I was changing, it was too late.
I began to hate myself and became depressed.
That lead to me being suicidal for some time.
I almost did end my life once.
But that's another story.

While that was happening, some other horrible things happened to me.
It's hard to say sometimes but I'm fine with talking about it now.
Two of my ex boyfriends tried to molest me.
Both at different times but not too long after the first occurrence did that second happen.
The first one convinced half of my old church that I was pregnant even though I wasn't.
The second stalked me after I dumped him.
I won't name them but thankfully they're out of my life now.

After all of that, I started to get better.
Some people left my life and I'm thankful they did.
I learned a lot about myself while they were gone.
I discovered that I was pansexual and dated a girl for the first time.
I was still learning about myself and in the process, I hurt her.
I'm still sorry for hurting her to this day.
She didn't deserve any of what I did.
I'm still happy she forgave me and became a very good friend again.

When I started high school, I started to branch out in the world more.
I began going to conventions and meeting new people.
Some people from my past came back into my life as well.
I thought they'd be with me for longer than they were.
But instead of a true friends, they became lessons.

During my sophomore year, I went though a lot.
I started dating a friend and I was happy.
She barely showed any affection to me but I really didn't mind back then.
I didn't realize until later that she was controlling of me.
I was scared to tell her things because I thought she'd get mad at me.
I was afraid to like certain shows or characters because I didn't think she'd like them too.
I always ran my cosplay ideas by her before ever doing them.
Everything I did, she knew about or approved of.
I lived for her approval.
We went to a con together and there I met so many people.
Two of them being a great friend of mine and the person I'm happily dating now.
I didn't know at the time but my girlfriend had met with her ex again.
Not even a week after con was over, she dumped me to told me she had gotten back together with her ex.
I was crushed.

I won't go into detail on how badly I was hurting but the best way I can explain it is like having everything you know and love ripped away from you in the blink of an eye.
After that happened, my friends tried everything they could to help me.
The one I happily call my lover now was a big part of my healing.
They were there for me though it all and helped me to get better.

I still feel the pain sometimes even though it's been over a year since then.
But I'm much better than I was before.
I have so many people to thank for that.

Now that relationship issues are out of the way
Let's talk about my family.
That's a whole other mess right there.

I'll start by saying that my parents aren't always the most accepting.
They for the longest time believed that I was making up having depression.
They said I was "just going though a phase" when I came out to them.
I pretty much forced them to believe me at this point.

One of the worst times I can think of to explain them is the incidents around my panic attacks.

I'll start this by saying that I don't have them as often anymore.
My panic attacks consist of hyperventilating, crying, screaming, stuttering, tremors, and repeating my words at least 3 times each.
They were really bad for a while.
My mother thought I was over exaggerating when I told her.
One day, I started to have one in the middle of class.
I had to be taken to the counselor and was sent home.
My mother picked me up from school and yelled at me the whole way home.
My dad had witnessed me have a few panic attacks by that point and completely believed that I did in fact have them.
I remember once screaming at my mom and asking her if I had to literally start having a panic attack in front of her to believe me.

I don't remember what had been happening to cause this attack but there was one instance I remember perfectly.
I was in my room having a full blown attack and my dad was trying to help me.
I remember specificity my mom coming in and yelling at me.
She kept saying I was over exaggerating and lying.
She made a huge scene and stormed off.
Normally my dad would pick my moms side in our arguments but this time, he stayed with me instead.

After I had calmed down enough to function again, i got into another argument with my mom.
I screamed at her that I was sorry for being the way I am.
I said I was sorry for being a failure and a disappointment.
I apologized for not being like my older brother.
I was crying my eyes out saying all it.

That's when she finally realized what all she had done to me.
I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and refused to speak to her.
I knew she knew how badly she hurt me.

Thankfully were better now but that memory is still fresh in my head.
I won't ever forget it.

Most people say "forgive and forget"
Well I forgive everyone no matter what they do to me, but I never forget anything.
I won't ever forget the things people do to me but I just don't let them hurt me anymore.
Clinging onto things like that only causes further pain.
So I choose forgiveness but never forgetting.