Monolouges and Rants

A letter to my mom

(( you guys can skip this. It's a letter I've written for my mom to explain what she's done to me. It's has a lot do do with my own issues and self hate so if that triggers you please skip this..))

You know what mom. I don't think you even realize how much you've made me cry. How much you've made me depressed. How many times you've been part of the reason for my suicidal tendencies. Just how much I've tried calling out to you but you've ignored me. I'm scared to even talk to you! I can't trust you because you have no idea. Yes you went though a lot a kid. I know that. But you've clearly forgotten what it's was like being a teenager. You obviously don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep and yearn to just end your own life. You have no idea. I feel worthless and a waste of space but you are no help at all. You yell at me and get angry with me the moment I'm upset. I don't have to be crying to be upset. My sadness includes mood swings and spikes of rage. You KNOW I always feel bad about snapping at someone. I hate myself for it but it's so hard to change that about myself! You may do a lot for me but when I really need you, you aren't there. You always laugh or snicker if I try to reach out to you. You don't help me. You hurt me. And dad always takes your side. Not mine. You can't see it because your to blind to see what someone else goes though, but I'm in pain and part at that is because of you! I'm staving myself! I'm refusing to eat! I binge eat. I eat a lot at once, the stop eating for a long period of time. You never have realized that though. And every time you've told me that if I keep eating like I do I'll get fat, yeah I remember every single time you've said it. And it's painful. It's painful to know that your mom thinks that you are going to get fat when you know your starving yourself. I may not have any scars on my skin but that doesn't mean I don't have scars. Mine are internal. They are in my heart, mind, and damaged soul. And part of those are because of you and dad. Every time you've told me to just get over it and brush it off, just know that saying that only made me trust you less and less. Every time you've nagged me about my looks, saying that I get made fun of because I don't take care of myself, that really hurts. That makes me want to cry every time you say it. In my mind, you are one of my bullies. You join them with being passive aggressive and it hurts. And not all of those bullies are real. Over half of them are my own mind. My own thoughts putting me down and destroying me. I hate myself. I hate my looks. I hate my personality. I hate my heart. I hate my mind. I hate every little detail about myself. I want to die. I want to vanish. I want to disappear. I wish I could be the daughter you've always wanted but I'm just not! I'm a dork who can't do anything for herself. I'm an idiot who just tries to help others to ease my own pain. I'm a brat who is loosing every last bit of sanity I have left. This demon looming over me is called depression. And it's about to consume me. And when it does. Just remember. You were one of the ones that gave me a push to it.