His Heart's Love (Book 3 in His Heart's Series)

Chapter 18

Andi

I faintly heard the door burst open, and suddenly huge arms were around me, consoling me.

I realized it was Ethan, and I immediately pushed him away.

"Andi, just let me hold you," he said.

I shook my head. "No. I don't need you. Please, just leave. Leave me alone," I said in tears.

"Andi please..."

"Why? Oh god! Why does it still hurt so much?" I cried out.

"Andi..."

"I want the pain to go away. I want to stop hurting!" I sobbed out. "Why does it hurt so much? Why does it still hurt, Ethan?" I asked brokenly, as I repeatedly hit him on his chest.

"All I ever wanted was to be the best thing in your life and the best part of you world. Because to me, you were those things and more... So much more..."

Ethan

I allowed her to beat on my chest, while I wrapped my arms around her.

"I loved you so much! You meant the world to me. You're everything!" She cried out.

"I'm sorry. I love you. Please forgive me..."

"Why does everyone I love leave me?" She sobbed out. "What's wrong with me?" She cried and I wanted to fucking strangle myself for causing her so much pain. Her pain runs so deep that I don't know if I can reach it.

"Andi... Nothing's wrong with you. It's me, okay. I was weak and I had my own demons to fight, and I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go. It was never about you, Andi. It was about me," I tried to explain.

"All I ever wanted was someone who would never leave me, no matter how difficult things could get. Then you came along and I thought to myself, Thank god. I finally found someone I could love, more than anyone or anything in this world," she cried. "But one morning I woke up and he was gone," she sobbed. "He didn't just break my heart. He ripped it out and took it with him," she forced through her tears.

"Andi... I made a mistake. It was a mistake that hurt you. But it hurt me too. I thought that leaving you was what I needed to do, and I know that I had five years to make it up to you, and to come back to you, but my fear got in the way, and I wish I could change things and do things differently, but I can't. This is what it is. All I can do is make it up to you and prove to you that what I feel for you is real, and it's stronger than anything else in this world. You have to stop thinking and believing that I didn't love you enough."

"I wish I could believe you. I wish I could trust you and your words. But every time I look at you, I see the man who broke my heart," I said brokenly. "I see the man who left me. And I wish I can just forget all of that... I wish I could look at you and not remember how you broke my heart, because it would make things so much easier. But it's not that easy."

"What can I do? Just tell me. Just tell me, and I'll do it," I said brokenly. My own tears falling from my eyes.

"I need you to stop trying to win me back. I need you to let me go. Because I don't know if we could ever have a second chance."

"Ands, you're killing me," I said said, my own voice cracking.

Her expression sobered a little and she let out an incredulous snort. "Killing you? I'm killing you?" she asked incredulously. "5 years, 2 months, 6 hours, 28 minutes," She looked at her watch before continuing, "and 7 seconds," she said. "That's how long you've been killing me."

I swallowed hard.

She's right. My pain and suffering will never compare to her pain and suffering.

"Will it really make you happy? Will it give you peace, if I walk away and let you go and give you the space you need?" I asked.

She nodded.

I swallowed hard.

No! I can't... I can't do it!

I rushed towards her and wrapped my arms around her tight.

"Please, ands. Don't ask that of me. Don't ask me to let you go," I begged. "Ask me anything, just not that," I sobbed. "I can't. I know what it's like to live without you, and I hate it. I don't want to go back to that kind of life. My life was empty without you."

I pulled back and cradled her face between my hands.

I looked her in the eyes and said, "Look into my eyes," I ordered softly.

She shook her head and averted her eyes.

"Look in my eyes," I said again. "Look into my eyes and you'll see how much I love you. And I can see that you love me too. Just give me one more chance. I swear to you, I'll love you the way you deserve. I'll be the man that you can count on. I'll always be there for you. I'll never leave you..."

"I know you won't. You're not the kind of man who shakes off his responsibilities. We're forever connected because of Faith... I know that you will never leave because of Faith."

"I'm here not just because of Faith. Yes, she was the catharsis that made me get off my ass and chase after you, but that's just it, she is the reason why faith brought us back together again. It doesn't change the fact that I have always loved you. Why can't you see that?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I don't know... I just keep thinking back to that morning... I can't get over it no matter how hard I try. And no matter how many more times I tell you how much it hurt to wake up next to divorce papers without a single explanation, you are never going to understand how much you hurt me. Broken, pain, hurt, all of those words are too tame to describe how I felt when you left."

"I'm working my ass off just to show you that I'm not the same man I was five years ago. I'm doing everything to be the man that you need."

She shook her head. "No you're not. You're doing everything you can, for you. Not for me," she responded. "What I need is my freedom. I need to be free from you, completely, so that I can put my life back together. I want to know how it feels like to not be so in love with you," she broke off in a sob. "Because that's the only way I know I'm going to stop hurting."

My heart tore open, knowing that I have lost her. I have completely lost her...

We stood there just looking at each other.

I looked at the woman I love and saw the tired lines around her eyes. I saw the pain cursing through her body. She looked so tired and defeated.

I wiped my tears away with my hand and I nodded.

But right when I loosened my hold on her and took a step back away from her, she cried out and grabbed me, and crashed her lips to mine.

I kissed her back with the same intensity.

The next thing I know, we were tugging on each other's clothes and ripping each others clothes off.

Making love with Andi has always been incredible, but there was something different this time.

This wasn't about our love for each other. This was about pain. Andi is using sex to numb the pain she feels inside. This is about her wanting to stop feeling how much it hurts. This is about her forgetting the pain I've caused her.

This is about goodbye...