I Won't Let You Go (Bagginshield)

Beginning To Face The Truth.

I couldn't sleep that night. Not only was I plagued by nightmares, but I was also wondering why I was so worried about what Thorin Oakenshield thought of me. Did it honestly matter? Why was his opinion, his trust, his approval so damn important to me? I hadn't the slightest idea. And, why was I so worried that he wouldn't remember me? Why did I need him to remember me? I was going to make myself sick with all this analyzing.

I tossed and turned on my cot, trying to escape the memories. But they followed me, and I finally had to get up. I walked to the edge of the camp and sat on the edge of a cliff, thinking about how things had progressed so far...the conversations we'd had, the looks we'd exchanged, everything that had happened since I left my home in the Shire and come on this journey. I was still trying to figure out why Thorin mattered so much to me, why I cared what he thought so much. A small, nagging feeling was pounding on the back of my mind, but I pushed it away. It was such an absurd thought there was no way it could be true.

But it was.

I was beginning to slowly face the truth, that there was a possibility I could have...feelings for Thorin. I was so ashamed to admit that, even to myself. There was no way in Heaven above or Earth below that I would ever, ever tell him. He would think I was insane, a freak, a weirdo. They already thought I was strange enough, being a Hobbit and all. I understood the fact that they weren't accustomed to Hobbits, but they could have at least treated me better, like a member of the company.

A slight scuffling behind me made me jump, and I turned around quickly only to see Thorin. My heart began to pound, seeing him standing there in the moonlight, looking very majestic and like the king he was soon to be.

"Bilbo, I didn't know you were here," he said, coming to sit beside me.

I blushed. "I couldn't sleep, so I decided to come sit here for a while, to think. Try to come to terms with the ghosts of the past. Face the truth."

"What truth is that?"

Of course I was going to lie. "That I might never come home," I answered quietly. "That I'll never see the Shire again. I kind of accepted that I might be leaving it behind for good when I left it, but my heart is still there, you know?"

He nodded. "I understand. My heart is back home, too. We all belong somewhere, Bilbo. You just have to find out where that place is. And your heart will let you know where you belong. When I first left Erebor, I was terrified. I didn't want to leave. How was I going to survive on my own, away from my home? And then my sister told me she wanted me to take her boys...Fili and Kili. That eased my loneliness somewhat, but it's not the same."

So he was homesick too. I didnt think Dwarves got homesick. They always seemed like such hard warriors, always focused on the battle, ready to die if need be to defend their fellow Dwarves and their land. But I was seeing another side of Thorin that I hadn't seen before.

"You don't have a wife or kids back home?"

He shook his head. "I'm always moving, always on the go. I could never find a woman that would be willing to journey with me...they all wanted to stay in Erebor while I did everything. From a certain point of view, I see how that makes sense...but what's the point of having someone if they won't be a part of your life in the way you need them most?"

I nodded, and slowly found myself reaching for his hand. Before he could notice, I snatched my hand back.

"Well, goodnight Thorin, it's been a nice chat," I said, hurriedly standing up. I ran back to my cot and laid down, pretending to sleep. I would be awake half the night, but like Gandalf said, eyes were the window to the soul, and I couldn't risk him seeing any truths that shone from my eyes.