A Mothers Sacrifice #Wattys2017 COMPLETE

5 - PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE

That night I tossed and turned. I couldn't sleep properly.

Hours ago when I tucked Malachi he asked what seemed to be a million questions about Sol.

I tried to answer as many as I could. I still couldn't believe he knew about Malachi.

I didn't envy Sol. He had to go back to his wife and tell her about Malachi.

I hoped she wouldn't make it difficult for him. I felt for her obviously, but it wasn't a secret he kept.

Seeing Sol again, spending time around him was difficult. Seeing him with his son, the ease he felt being a father. I was feeling guilt for not allowing him to be a father to Malachi sooner, for not faciltating Malachi to spend time with his father.

I didn't know how I was going to cope over the next few days, or weeks. I had to tell Sol that Malachi was ill.

For purely selfish reasons I wanted him to love Malachi. For my son to feel his fathers love.

Mostly I had to admit it was so he couldn't walk away when I told him what I needed him to do.

The very small part of me that could rationalise and not be the desperate mother, thought even if it wasn't his son he may agree to test anyway.

I ached at the thought of what should've been. Sol was as handsome as he was nine years ago. In fact I thought he had gotten better looking as he got older.

And now he was married. He had a wife. Too late.

Sitting in my bed I started to cry quietly. I wasn't over Sol Hempsted.  Not by a long shot.

I wiped away my tears and tried to pull myself together. I didn't have time to weep and mourn the loss of my relationship. I had to do whats best for my son. For our son.

Closing my eyes I fell asleep with hope that our son's chance of survival had just got a lot better.

I was woken just after eight by Malachi. He had sneaked into my bedroom and slipped under the covers cuddling me. I smiled, my eyes still closed. Now this had to be the best way to be woken up in the morning. I could smell his pirate themed soap that he bathed his hair in and the fabric conditioner that I washed his pyjamas in. 

I opened my eyes. His big blues eyes looked back at me. Sols eyes. His skin was clear and creamy. He had a wicked smile on his face. 

"Have you been outside Malachi?" I asked him.

"Yes I had to see what the weather was like, Dad said if it was sunny and you told him it was ok, we could play football today"

Ah ok, that made sense. 

"And is it sunny outside?" I already knew the answer. As he snuggled closer I could smell the sun on his delicate skin

"Yes" he said with a huge grin.

"Well, we better get you up and sort out your breakfast then" i told him tickling him gently. He laughed.

"I don't need breakfast" he whined.

"Yes you do, all footballers eat a decent breakfast" I warned him.

"Now go and wash your face, put your clothes on and I will meet you downstairs"

Deciding to shower later I dressed as he ran off to get ready himself.

I wondered how much sleep Sol had had. Whether his wife had let him sleep at home after his revelation.

I had sympathy for them both.

Malachi was animated at breakfast. It shocked me how children accepted even the most difficult circumstances, Malachi certainly seemed to be dealing with this situation better than I hoped..