Maybe We Should Go Back

Did I know I would have to survive this hard?

Sometimes I ask myself this question. Did I know I would have to survive so hard in this life? And if I did, what possessed me to agree to this incarnation?

I believe that when we die, we are taken to a place to rest and recover from our lives. Then,  after awhile, most of us choose to be reincarnated again to further our spiritual development. I believe that you sit down with your spirit guides/advisers to plan every aspect of the life you will live. You choose your parents. You agree to all the terms. If you don't want to do it, you just don't, or you choose a different person to become, or a different planet to live on (Earth is apparently one of the toughest to choose according to spiritualists and near death experience survivors. It's for the hardcore people who want to really beef themselves up spiritually in a short amount of time, sorta like spirit boot camp lol). I truly believe we have all chosen our lives for some reason we probably won't know or understand until we die and have our full spiritual knowledge again.

I'm sure there is a reason I chose this life, which means I chose to endure the struggles I have been through. Most of the time, the human part of me thinks my spirit self is just a fucking idiot for this. Yeah, sure, become one of the weakest, most passive and docile human beings to ever exist on the planet and then go through things even the strongest couldn't handle well! Yeah, go for it, choose one of the most stressful careers in the world with your prone-to-anxiety brain and piss-poor coping skills! That's a great idea! Let's also make the parents drug addicts and alcoholics, ensuring that even childhood won't be that great! While we're at it, let's choose a brutally abusive boyfriend for your first relationship so you don't get too hopeful about love! Also let's drown you in religious trauma so you won't accept who you are until you're about 40! Hilarious! Great times!

Like, what was I thinking? I'd give anything to remember that conversation with my guides. Did they try to talk me out of it or into it? Did we argue?

It would be one thing if I was a strong person, but I am literally one of the weakest. What possessed my spirit to think this vessel would handle all of this well enough to raise two other humans successfully and healthily?

I do think I very much knew just how hard I would have to survive in this life. I think I knew it, but I'll never get it. What has it taught me, really? That you can't trust people? That even faith is pointless? I feel like I am failing to learn the lessons I set out to learn when I chose my life. I'm worried this incarnation will end up meaning nothing or not pushing me any further in my quest to enlightenment, like it's a waste of my time (even though I realize we have literally all of eternity to make this journey).

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I'm feeling it hard lately. I just feel like I've been fucked with over and over, and it has never made me stronger or better. It has made me pessimistic, impatient, suspicious, whiny, a substance abuser, and perpetually neurotic. I have no self esteem. I don't know how to deal with any of it. I think all this has just broken me in some irreparable way. And maybe it was all supposed to make me a better person but I just didn't learn the lesson. That's possible right? You can plan the whole incarnation but still not learn the intended lesson? I'm guessing it's possible because free will is a thing. I fear I have missed my chance...