Maybe We Should Go Back

This was maybe not the brightest idea

Okay first of all, I feel bad about that last entry and feel it was whiny. I was in a whiny mood. I wanted to whine. It felt nice at the time. We all need a good whine. But it was a thousand percent me feeling sorry for myself which is... gross, at my big age. So I'm sorry for subjecting the world to that.

The next day, I got the hell over myself and got back up and carried on.

I go back to work tomorrow. The kids start the next week. I already spent a lot of the summer at school setting up my room. It's not good to go from zero stress to a million stress in one week, which is usually what plan week is like, and with my weakened immune system I decided to do things in steps over the summer instead of shocking my system with a wallop of stress all at once. The result is that my classroom is basically ready for students right now. I get to spend some time chilling next week and finally having the conversation I've dreaded with my team lead about That Bitch and what happened last year. Oh my. May the words strike swift and true.

I wrote down my talking points in a note so I can go over what went down, the comments that were said, and why I feel we got switched around. No one is happy about the switch (except me), and I feel like people are side-eyeing me thinking it was my idea or something. I need to emphasize that I was not the one who complained about me to the principal. Why would I complain about ME to my own boss? Stupid. This is still just a theory after all, but I cannot think of a single other reason why we were the only ones switched, destroying years' worth of teacher teams that were functioning beautifully.

I don't want to see her face. She texted me the other day being all nice and stuff, saying she found some gothy looking bulletin board stuff that I would love. I'm just like... why the whiplash? You hate my guts. Go away. Choose a team and stay there. Of course I was nice back because I'm not 12, but still... weird.

Oh how I hate confrontation!

Now to address the title of this entry. I have drastically lowered my Suboxone dose this summer because I am ready to quit, and it has been hard. You do get addicted to it as fast as you do to opiates, and it becomes very comforting. The ritual of taking it is comforting. The security you feel knowing it's there if you need it. The warm and cozy feeling it gives you. No, it's not a high, but it's a leveling out of your emotions. I can't just be on it the rest of my life though. I'm at, like, a pill or half a pill now. It's hard. It is deeply intertwined and tangled up with my brain cells, and untangling it feels impossible. I lowered it again the day before yesterday and I woke up grinding my teeth and shaking. Did I make a mistake? Do I just power through? The withdrawal sucks almost as much as opiate withdrawal, and I'm in such a shit mood and being a total bitch to everyone, and it's because I'm white-knuckling it through the day.

This was maybe a dumb time to lower it again, with school coming tomorrow. I don't know if I should go back on the previous dose or maybe not cut the dose as much as I did. I don't know. My doctor is a very "listen to your body and let it guide you" type and not super helpful with leading me through this. My body says I want drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, candy and fast food forever. Should I listen to that, doctor? Oh I shouldn't be mean to him. He's very nice.

I'm thinking I will go back on the dose I was on a couple days ago. That feels like failure, but I don't think I should approach the beast of next week while in full withdrawal.

In other news... I'm not even sure I wrote about this, but something big is happening. No I'm not pregnant. This is what happens when I update like 3 times a year. I gotta be better about that.

Anyway, my husband and I had a conversation about my bisexuality a few months ago and he was supportive and basically... we have decided to dip our toes into the land of polyamory. I told him about how much I long for female companionship, about how I love him more than anything but he can't give me everything I need, and he gave me the green light to find a connection with a woman. That was mind blowing to me because wow, that's so sweet and supportive and amazing. It made me love him even more.

So I'm putting myself out there on a few dating apps. Just to see what happens. If nothing happens, that's fine. If something does, that's fine. You know. Just opening that door. So far (it's only been 3 days mind you), it's all creepy dudes who are messaging me, and I'm like... the last thing I want is another man. Sorry 'bout it. The amount of messages has been overwhelming and I had to stop checking them because it was making me stressed.

This is exciting but scary because I'm not a social type. I've dated exactly two people in my life, and I'm married to one of them. I want to find a woman who connects with my soul on a deep level. Like, not a fling. The connection I am missing in my marriage is because there's something about a woman that a man can never provide. I can't explain it other than that. It's something much deeper. I'll update in the future if anything comes from it. :)