Everything that Daniel has made me feel was new to me. I've never felt it before. He made me experience things that I've never experienced in my entire life. But as days pass by, I'm becoming afraid of what I'm feeling. I felt like, I can't recognize myself anymore. I was not the same Kathryn as before. And I don't know if it's a bad or good thing. They say, change is inevitable. Change for the better. But, is it a good thing or a bad thing that I'm losing the old me by becoming the new Kathryn?
I look at the two people in front of me with a straight face. Deep inside, all I wanna do is just break down and cry all the pain away. But I don't wanna give these people the privilege to see how weak I am. That would mean that I'm a loser, a weakling, a fool. And I don't need any sympathy, pity or mercy from any people. My pride is the only thing I got right now.
"Hi! Can we seat with you?" Julia asked and gave them a very cheerful smile. If you truly know her, you'll know immediately that her smile was fake.
None of them both answered. But nevertheless, we still sat on the vacant seats on their table.
Julia immediately called the waiter and ordered something for us.
"Kath..." Daniel tried to hold my hand but I quickly avoided it. I just raised my brow at him. I'm trying my best to control my anger.
"So.. are you both having fun?" I asked, smiling sweetly at them.
I saw Daniel gulped. He can't look me in the eyes and I can even hear his heavy breathing. I know him. That's how he acts when he's nervous. Why would he be nervous? Well, probably because he was guilty.
"Me? I quite had fun actually. I had fun watching two people kissing like they're the only people here and not minding their surroundings. Sweet, isn't it?" I laughed sarcastically.
"Kath.. let me explain.." He pleaded. I can see how desperate he was. He's looking at me like he's having a really hard time and he's afraid of what I'm about to do.
I signaled him to stop. I took a deep breath and sighed.
"Save it. I don't need any of your explanation. You can flirt all you want. Anywhere, anytime. The hell I care. I don't have the right to stop you anyway. We're not in a relationship. I don't even have the right to get mad at you. But from now on, do me a favor and get away from me please. We might still work together but don't you dare try to talk or go near me." I tried my best not to stammer. My tears are already trying to build up.
"No.. It's not what you think!" He said, fear evident on his face.
I stood up and walked away fast. I even heard Julia shouted my name. But I can't take it anymore. I can't be really bitchy. I tried but I really can't. What is he going to explain? That he didn't mean to cheat on me? That he didn't mean to meet up with Chie at the restaurant? That he didn't mean to kiss her? Dammit!
My tears started to fall. I kept on wiping it with my hands but it's useless. It continued to fall and I can't even stop myself from sobbing. I immediately ran inside the bathroom to hide myself from people. I don't want this to be in the news the next day. My manager would totally go berserk!
Fortunately, the bathroom was empty when I entered. I immediately locked it and broke down.
It hurts! How can this hurt so bad? How can this be more hurtful than any harsh opinions or comments I hear from thousands of people everyday? The pain I'm feeling is like a disease that's infecting my heart. All I wanna do is punch it until it dies and leave my heart. I don't know how to take the pain away. It's suffocating.
This is the first time I felt this kind of pain. I'm new at this. The pain that's making you breathless. It's squeezing my heart. Hard. Too hard that I can't breathe. I wanna punch Daniel. I wanna hurt him the same way he hurt me. But I know that I can't do it. I love him. I love him to the point where I already forgot my friends and family. I spend most of my time with him. From dusk to dawn when we have tapings, weekdays and including weekends. I can't even find time for my family and friends anymore. Maybe I'm really losing myself too much.
This is what happens when I get my hopes too high. I planted in my head that we'll be together until we grow older. As a girl who's in love, you'll normally think of your future with the one you love. To get married, build your own house, have kids, grow old together. And when the time comes when you two fall apart, those dreams would be crushed and threw away. It's like your life became meaningless. Dreams are motivation for us to strive hard. Without them, we won't have the will or courage to do anything.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot. I'm a f*cking mess!
I opened the faucet and washed my face.
I rummaged inside my bag to look for a tissue and wiped all the residue of my make-up a while ago.
The necklace I'm wearing caught my attention. This is the necklace he gave me last Christmas. It was a heart-shaped necklace. Memories on how he gave me this flashed on my mind.
It was 2am of December 25. My family just finished having noche buena and I was about to sleep when I suddenly heard my phone rang. My forehead creased when I saw that Daniel was calling me. We just talked 2 hours ago. We greeted each other Merry Christmas. I wondered why he's calling again.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Ba, can you go out for a minute?" He said in a raspy voice.
"What? Why?"
"I'm outside. I wanna see you." I peeked from my window and I saw him leaning on his car with his phone on his ear. He waved at me and smiled.
I immediately ran down the stairs and opened the door and the gate. He was still leaning on his car. He was wearing a white polo, a black shorts and of course, he's favorite plain black Vans. This guy has too much sex appeal.
"Deej, you know that it's already past midnight right?" I scolded him.
"I know, I know. I just wanna give you something." He smiled and walked towards me.
"Turn around please." Even though I'm confused of what he wants me to do, I still obeyed him.
"What are you planning?" I asked, confused.
"Be patient, love." He said softly. His endearment made my heart jump.
Moments later, I felt a cold metal around my neck. I looked down and I gasped when I saw a heart-shaped necklace shining brightly on my neck.
I faced him and looked at him in the eye. "Oh my god! This is beautiful, Pottie!" I said a little too loud because I can't contain my happiness. I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek a lot of times. I just hope my neighbors are now all asleep at this time. I don't want to give them a show here.
"Thank you! Thank you! I love it!" I beamed at him. I bet this cost him a fortune. I know how expensive this is. As a shopaholic, I kinda know how pricy like this thing costs.
He grinned and kissed me on the temple.
"I'm glad you liked it. I love you, Baba." He hugged me again. Tighter and longer.
"I love you too." I returned his hug with the same force.
It was all too good to be true. I sighed and closed my eyes. I wish this was just a bad dream. That when I open my eyes again, it will still be the same as before.
But who am I kidding? Everything was real. And I'm not here inside this bathroom looking horrible like a panda with all of my eyeliner messed up if it was all just a dream.
----
Short update. I'm so sorry 😭
