Memories

my thoughts

I'm not going to edit this. I'm just going to say what's in my mind . as u read is how I am thinking. I didn't fix anything. So yeah .

I just went to my friends list on Facebook ,and I only have 85 . I have no problem with that , cause that's an okay # of friends . I realized that half of the friends that I have on Facebook are family members that I don't even talk to.

I have a half sister I barely even talk to. I have my other sister who only sends me videos ,and people who are friends but not really close friends , just people I say hi on the hallway ,and people who I thought were my best friends but are really not cause I'm not good enough to be a best friend . so they just act like strangers and blame it on me .

I have friends who I think I'm close with but its just very little, and friends who I talk to a lot but keep secrets from me and I'm not really part of the "best friend " group yet. I'm just a good friend . I'm not ..... I'm nobodies best friend. I've always wanted one, I don't get it, how come I don't have one. I considered my self a good person .

I'm probably annoying I guess. I'm like...I'm there but I'm not a best friend . I'm a friend but not good enough to be considered a best friend cause idk why ?.

I think best friends are made in kinder or elementary and not on middle school or high school. That's probably the reason I'm nobodies best friend .

And why the heck is it even that important to have a best friend anyways ?
I think its because u can say anything u want to them , u won't ever be excluded from any event, group chat , video calls , group projects , or just never get excluded and always be part of everything .

I felt lonely this Saturday . idk ... I do know. And ... Am I trying to get attention ? Am I just over reacting ? Am I acting right now like those people I am always critiquing ? Am I a attention who*e?

Well... No cause I'm not blaming anybody . it doesn't even make sense . well I don't care if people think I'm just doing this for attention or petty .
I'm writing this because I have nobody on my Facebook to talk to or anybody that even want to talk to me. I just wanted to let it out of my system so I can feel good tomorrow . I think all of this comes from me being fat, idk I just blame everything on me being fat .
I . don't . want. To . be . depressed .
I am . not . that. Type . of . person .

This is stupid . why am I being ... Acting like if.... Like I'm a victim.. This.. Stupid .
PFF . yeah right. Why am I getting sad . I'm really watching what I want to say. Right now my thoughts are just all over the place . I need .. I have to censer my self . I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings .

I think keeping all this feelings to my self is making harm to my mental health . I really want to talk to someone about me. About my life . about all my insecurities and not be judged ,or not be ignored . I want to talk to someone face to face , that I know won't get distracted or judge me or not pay attention to me. I need attention and love so bad.

That's probably another reason I need a best friend or best friends ,so I can feel love , wanted . needed !.

*stopped typing , looks at the ceiling. Breaths heavily .*

* inhales and coughs *

*types what she did *
Oh and I'm probably going to get kicked out of early college , cause I'm stupid and I can't pass a stupid test. Imagine how lonely and depressed I'm going to feel once I'm attending martin!!

Well yeah. I have friends ,but not best friends . I wish someone would just tell me from the beginning if we are or not best friends. That would save me a lot of pain .