Memories

Solitude

I honestly really enjoy being alone. I recently went to a park with a lake, and some trees around the park just here and there. It's been about 7 months that I haven't been in a park, and taken a stroll all by myself.

Back in Quebec City, that's all that I wanted to do. I enjoyed every part of the long walks I would take all over the park. This park in Quebec that I would go was named plains d'Abraham. It was a historical park where a battle was fought. I don't know much of the history of the park but a lot of people would go, and enjoy reading the informational posters that would be around.

The park was huge, so there was a lot to by to explore, and it would probably take you the whole day to explore the whole park but you really wouldn't mind, since every step you took you'd find yourself amazed and star struck by the view, and the overall experience of the magic that Quebec City offers.

Anyways, I digress.

This park was everything for me, and I loved walking, and exploring every inch of the park. You could enjoy the park alone or with company but me, being me, I enjoyed it way more by myself. The park also had trails that you could explore, and biking trails as well. I walked all of those, and yeah, my feet would be hurting by the end of my expeditions but for me it was all worth it.

Here and there, I would see squirrels, chipmunks, deer, beavers, possum, and very rarely I'd see a hog. Oh yeah! I almost forgot that I'd also see many ducks, and little cute fishies in the water.

I digressed again, I apologize. Back to my original story.

As I was saying, I had gone to this park here in Calgary, and it was lame but it did the trick. I felt at peace, felt like I was happy. There's something about being alone at a park with minimum humans around, and just you and your mind, minding your own business- that it just fulfills me mentally and I'd dare to say even spiritually.
It's just a grand feeling of melancholy but at the same time it's a feeling of happiness, and mere completeness within myself.

I miss being alone... I constantly miss it now-a days.

Loneliness made me kinda productive. Nobody to see me, and judge me silently in their heads, saying " wow, she finally decided to do something, and not be a bum all day" or rather say " hmm, wonder why she's all of a sudden doing something when she usually doesn't".

You get me?
So, I felt the liberty to start doing something new without anyone questioning me, or just simply watching me in admiration.
I truly dislike people asking me stuff, or just watching me, so being alone just made things way easier for me.

Not gonna lie, the cons of living alone for quite some time did affect me more in the social aspect of my life, and my mental as well.
I became more of an anxious person, and really disliked any problems, and just became very antisocial overall.

It's not like I had many friends that actually wanted me around with them, so I had no problem with distancing myself for a bit without anyone worried about me.

I had friends, and all but they all had their own friends that they were close with, and would actually hang out with them and talked to them. I was just a secondary character in most of people's life's anyways.

But, I do really enjoy being a lone. Yeah, it can be sad sometimes but it's just what I want. I'm just that type of person who prefers a very quiet life.

I do dislike with a passion too much noise, it just doesn't sit well with me, it disturbs me so much that it angers me. I can't handle too much noise, and commotion. It disturbs my pattern of speech, and my thoughts are all scattered, and unclear to the point where I feel like I'm lost, and can't find my way back to reality.

I'm not being dramatic with my description of why it bothers me, that's legit how I feel, and it's not fun.
Even my dream career (art teacher ) is a very quiet and low key one.

My taste in music is also of that, of just slow, melancholic, soft music that doesn't hurt your ears.  Yeah, I do have some loud music on my playlist but 97% of the music that I have on my playlist is music that many people have told me that it puts them too sleep, and not worthy to put in a car ride.

My life though, as you have already read before, with all the misspelling, and horrible grammar errors (I'm deeply sorry about that )
You can see that it's been nothing but loud. Half of my life has been loud, and half has been somewhat quiet, which I appreciate.

You know, I am really considering having to talk to a therapist, and see what's up.

I think I have a lot of unresolved trauma, and many many issues within myself, that I feel I should finally address, and stop keeping them hidden deep down into my subconscious mind and ammy heart as well.

It's unhealthy to just pretend like nothing that has ever happened to me didn't really affect me or that I'm over them. Yeah, maybe I am but not really.

I will do it, and maybe not right now but hopefully next year when I have the money and time.  I'm still in Canada, it's June 7, 2020.

I think I should leave now, and sorry for this totally random update. I don't have internet, so I probably kinda confused you when you saw that I updated but I mentioned a different date here. You're basically reading this from the past but it's in the future.... hmm? Maybe not.

Anyways, if you see this, then you'll know I have WiFi! And that I'm probably back in the states, or that I'm still in Canada, and I just happen to get WiFi. You'll know if I post this in 2020 or 2021 😂 okay, okay, I'll stop rambling.
Goodbye to whoever is reading this. Thank you for still reading my public diary.

~ Ness

Update: it's July 14, 2023 and forgot I had this draft...